A Meeting of Minds - An Anne McCaffrey Discussion Forum  

Go Back   A Meeting of Minds - An Anne McCaffrey Discussion Forum > The Mezzanine > Exhibit Hall

Exhibit Hall For the exhibition of artistic creations by our members, from poetry and prose to drawings, photography, and digital art.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old May 6 2008, 12:32 AM   #1
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis

Default Skyboom feedback

Wow, what a story! Very well done! I have a couple of nitpicky things - I know you said at ff.net that you didn't want to worry about what words were used on Pern, but just a couple...

In that line, the only thing I remember was something called a Gaelic shrug. I've never heard of this. And it really looks out of place to see the word Gaelic in 9th Pass Pern - I don't think that word would have survived unchanged if at all.

When they were in Southern, they had "a few matches wrapped in waxed paper" - but I don't think they had matches yet, and they definitely didn't have paper that long before the 9th Pass. Just a little thing but it really caught my eye.

The last thing is that Menolly says she named her fire lizards when she was "all of fourteen Turns" - but in Dragonsong she's fifteen. She tells Felena that.


Those are the only ones I can remember offhand, so I won't worry about any others!

Great story, I love the idea of a young Robinton meeting people who knew the old Robinton... Although it surprised me that Menolly kept giggling - but in each case, I couldn't blame her!

Last edited by Cheryl; Jun 3 2008 at 08:45 AM.
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 6 2008, 01:30 AM   #2
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland

Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Re: Skyboom feedback

Thanks for the review!

I'll address the word/canon stuff later (it's late, and I work tomorrow), but in regards to Menolly and her giggling...

You know where F'lon accuses Robinton of being slap-happy? The description applies to Menolly far more than it does Robinton. Menolly has been very interesting to characterize so far--she's reacting on three different levels. The first one is the mind--this is the Menolly that is mature enough not to make a gigantic scene about the mere thought of them keeping Robinton information-starved and ignorant. (Whereas a younger Menolly would have been far more rebellious about it and indignant!) She knows letting the world know they have a version of Robinton around would cause gigantic waves. He's dead, has been for turns, and someone at this point has probably erected a statue somewhere. He's no longer a man, but a legendary figure. Think of if JFK or MLK came back from the dead. Or, hell, Elvis.

Then, in the archives, there's the memory-lane reactions--their memories of Robinton are suddenly called out out of cold-storage, along with those old hides, which is why both Sebell and Menolly keep reminiscing fondly about the man. It's been long enough that the sharp pang of grief is no longer as sharp, or as present--Menolly is aware of herself enough to be amused by the fact that she cried on nearly everything of Robinton's when they did whatever they did with his worldly possessions when he died. Of course, at the time, she was experiencing legitimate grief, but at this point, she's mostly moved beyond it. It hurts, but not as soul-crushingly.

However, when in young!Robinton's actual personal presence...Menolly's crush kicks in. It's kicking in badly. Menolly is the penultimate Robinton fangirl, and she's just had the man, in the flesh, dropped into her lap. Moreover, the man is young. I figure this to be the emotional Menolly--her gut reactions, her irrational reactions, unfiltered by reason, or logic, or anything remotely 'adult'. I figure she doesn't even realize it yet that she's doing it. I bet Sebell does, and is tolerant, but Menolly? There's things going on in the back of her head that haven't come to the fore yet, just because she's not really the type of girl that goes about thinking of those things.

I mean, she flees the scene when circumstances bring to light the fact that Robinton is going commando under there, and if she were to walk behind him that day, she might well get an eyefull. And she doesn't really want to admit that she's thinking these sorts of things (when he's been 'back' less than 24 hours) about her Master, so she boggles, and leaves as quickly as she can before she makes a fool of herself. But just because she leaves doesn't mean she's not crushing hard. She's just removing herself from the source, because he's setting her off-balance.

There's also the fact that the relationship she has with this Robinton is awfully one-sided. She knows things about him...perhaps not his specific past, but about him personality-wise...that this young Robinton would be uncomfortable about. (How would you react if someone came out of nowhere and seemed to know all your little quirks, when you knew pretty much nada about them?) And she can "feel" the difference; there's no history, so her crush is existing in a void untempered by the actual fondness and love she formed for the man by working with him day in and day out. That man is not here. Only this younger "twin".

So, yeah. She's slap-happy and giggling, but only in his physical presence, and trying desperately to hide it, and not quite succeeding. This will go away once she's able to establish a true relationship/friendship with Robinton, and he gets to know her more.

Does this make sense? Like I said before, there's so much going on in Menolly's mind that it's really fun--but also really complicated--to characterize her.
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 6 2008, 03:02 AM   #3
P'ter
Crafter

Craftmaster
 
P'ter's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Wolverhampton
Pronouns: He/him
Fan of: Favorite?
Now Reading: avidly
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Brenda: I think Portalvast Magus means a 'Gallic' shrug.

Quote:
Raise your shoulders; hold up your hands, palms out; stick out your lower lip; raise your eyebrows; and say "Moi, je n'y peux rien," "Moi, je n'en sais rien," "Alors là," or simply "Bof !"

Meanings:It's not my fault; I don't know; I doubt it can be done; I don't really agree.
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
P'ter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 6 2008, 09:31 AM   #4
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland

Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Yes, I meant Gallic--I think my spellcheck tripped over it, and that's how it ended up Gaelic. (starts with a g, ends with a c--same thing, right?)

Edit: Regarding matches...I goofed on the paper. I will change it to a tin of some sort. However, I'm leaving the matches in...if they have enough chemistry for explosives in mining, and, later HNO3, they can probably dip little bits of wood into phosphorous, although I guess the resulting matches might be expensive and fairly rare.

Regarding Menolly's age...my "mental image" of where I plucked her age is from the start of Dragonsong, so I wouldn't be surprised if she actually turned fifteen before she Impressed the firelizards. Sorry about that.
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 6 2008, 04:11 PM   #5
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis

Default Re: Skyboom feedback

They are mentioned in AtWoP, and called "sulfur sticks" - I have no problem with you keeping those, but that's what they would probably be called!


Thanks for the insight about Menolly - I had kind of figured that, but not to the extent you explained!
I'm pretty sure her age is mentioned somewhere in the beginning of the book as well...
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 6 2008, 11:44 PM   #6
kevia
Ballybran Resident

Tuner
 
kevia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Somewhere in the USA

Fan of: Nimisha's Ship
Now Reading: Crystal Line
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

I'm not much good at critiquing. I cannot wait to read the rest of the story!!!! I will say, that I think you did a terrific job with the characters. It seems to me (I'm no author) that it would be incredibly difficult to write someone else's characters and have them seem the same. But, given the situation, and Robinton's youth, etc, you have really done an amazing job of it. They seem totally in character to me.

The only other thing I have to say is, 'hurry up!!"
__________________
Kevia
kevia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 8 2008, 08:43 PM   #7
Brighid
Dragonrider
 
Brighid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New York

Fan of: Pern series
Now Reading: History of Tea
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Well done, I really enjoyed it. I look forward to reading the rest.
Brighid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 24 2008, 09:24 AM   #8
Emeraldrose
Holder
Drudge
 
Emeraldrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Tennessee

Fan of: Dragonriders Series
Now Reading: The Great Hunt Robert Jordan
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

This is a lovely story so far...I hope we get updates quickly...You have the characters down well...nothing jarring in their actions thus far...
Emeraldrose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jun 2 2008, 11:17 PM   #9
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland

Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by kevia View Post
It seems to me (I'm no author) that it would be incredibly difficult to write someone else's characters and have them seem the same.
Yes and no, it really depends on the author. You write long enough, and you pick up some skill at characterization...how broad and deep that skill is depends on how hard you've worked on it. Myself, I consider characterization to be a type of acting...and like in real life acting, you can have several actors act out the same character and have that character be recognizably themselves. Writing's the same.

That being said, I am very, very glad that people aren't chasing after me with big, pointy sticks. I have a tendency to both throw characters into odd situations to provoke reactions out of them we'd never see in a more canon situation. I also have a tendency to some measure of fanservice...if only because I'm a fan myself, and I suspect a lot of what I like and want to see more of in the books are things shared by fellow fans. So if I write to please myself, I end up (hopefully) pleasing others.

What's really amusing about writing this fic (if anyone cares for observations from the writer on writing her own fic, lol) is the fact that the 20-something Robinton I'm writing is *technically* not canon...if you consider The MasterHarper of Pern canon. I'm actually basing this 20-something Robinton from the older Robinton template...Dragonflight/quest/song/singer/drums/etc. I'm making him sharper, a little more sarcastic (although this is hidden when he's not in the presence of people he is close to). A little more aware that the facade he puts on is a facade. A little more melodramatic because it amuses him to be so, and he can get away with it, given what his Craft is. A little more cunning.

Not *evil* Robinton (oh, how I would love to write an Evil!Robinton fic), but a less Robinton-the-saint version of him.

It's very fun.

I'm having issues with the dragonriders, though. Lessa, like The Rowan in my Talent fics, is being a little more tractable than I expected...she has a sweet side, but also an angry side. I don't think most people realize that Lessa (or The Rowan for that matter) know they're emotional and have tempers, and usually keep them on a chain the best they can.

F'lon writes ok, but then he has a sense of humor, so he's fun to write. F'lar isn't being very forthcoming, and F'nor I don't think has spoken a single word...I intended to bring him in, but he's not "speaking" to me, despite the fact that he's an "Afra" template, and I write Afra pretty fluidly. (I consider F'lar/Lars/Jeff Raven to be variations on one particular template, and Rowan/Lessa/Killashandra to be variations on another...the other trio is Afra Lyon/F'nor/Trag, all patient, male second in commands who do work behind the scenes when everyone else is having hysterics.) None of the other dragonriders have said a peep to me. But I think it'll work out ok, given my story is mostly about Robinton. The Harpers are speaking to me very clearly, even Sebell who to me is almost a non-character as he has so many traits in common with Robinton.

Anyway...sorry, I love characterization. See my earlier really long posts about the motivations of Menolly, lol.

And, thank you everyone for the reviews--it's really good to see what works and what doesn't, and the encouragement is indeed encouraging.
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jun 5 2008, 09:24 PM   #10
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis

Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Wow.

It was quite evident, even before I saw the note at the bottom of the most recent post, that you had suddenly found a Plot! I can't wait to see where this goes... I'm assuming electronic instruments, and I hesitate to contemplate... Rock & Roll?
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jun 6 2008, 05:16 PM   #11
Lily
Senior Member
 
Lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Wellywood, New Zealand

Default Re: Skyboom feedback

I became terribly aware of your use of the term "the man" when it cropped up five times in the first paragraph of the last episode.
And it's used frequently in the rest of the piece. Could you not find another phrase to use instead of the repeated use of this one?
__________________
Coffee: Chocolate: Men: Some things are just better rich
Lily is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jun 10 2008, 11:24 AM   #12
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland

Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

Thanks for mentioning that. It's probably not something I'll kill right away, but as with all my fics, I intend to go over the finished piece (once it's finished) with a fine-tuned editorial comb so that things like that can be polished out.

(I don't spend too much time editing these...mostly because if I do, then I'll never get a new chapter out. A matter of choosing my battles, heh. But I intend to do a final weeding/editing/polishing eventually.)

(Sorry for the delay in reply; no net at home over the weekend.)
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jul 10 2008, 12:49 AM   #13
GinnyStar
Dolphineer
Craftmaster
 
GinnyStar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Wausau, Wisconsin, USA -- CST or CDT
Pronouns: SheShe
Fan of: PShPern BB, Tia., and Oth
Now Reading: MHOP, Books Jerry Apps, Too Many to Post
Default Re: Skyboom feedback

As for tech person I would think Jemmy (sp) from Ref: Dragonseye/Red Star Rising. He translated Earth into Pern. Along with MasterPrinter Tagertal. For the starting up of ther PrinterCafthall. other Post-AVAS Ref: Skis of Pern

Very good keep it up.
__________________
Lover s s, s and friends
Lover of and beads,
http://www.change.org/profiles/GinnyStar
Dragoncave GinnyStar2
Jellied Dragons
Lair of Dragons
http://dragcave.net/user/GinnyStar2
Thanks! Others: None at this time
WIP http://archiveofourown.org/works/252259
http://www.daisy.org/learning-difficulties
GinnyStar is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
To inspire & Feedback sjslack Exhibit Hall 2 Aug 16 2021 06:49 PM
Pern Fanfic - Part Three - T'karn's Fort (inc. feedback) Gidget2 Exhibit Hall 5 Apr 26 2008 12:53 PM
Feedback for Dragon Fast Brenda Exhibit Hall 20 Jul 4 2007 06:31 AM
Feedback for All At Once Greenrider Tresa Exhibit Hall 12 Jun 9 2006 08:26 PM
Feedback on the new Profile Fields Cheryl The Information Desk and Suggestion Box 27 Jan 24 2006 02:57 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

ds and characters based on Anne McCaffrey’s fiction are copyright © Anne McCaffrey 1967-2008, all rights reserved, and used bA Meeting of Minds forum owned by Cheryl B. Miller.
All references to worly permission of the author.