Thread: Feedback: New story I am playing with
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Old Sep 23 2008, 11:12 AM   #3
Kath
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oop North

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Default Re: New story I am playing with

I think it's the sentence fragments that stand out for me as the most obvious technical weakness.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou...ar/g_frag.html
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handou...g_fragEX1.html

<- this site has a lot of exercises and examples illustrating what sort of fixes need to be made.

What's also clear though, is that she's done some research and put a lot of thought into making the story plausible and interesting. Those are VERY good things indeed. Fixing technical stuff is usually far less challenging than fixing a weak plot - there's definitely potential here.
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