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Old Nov 11 2006, 03:00 PM   #1
Brenda
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Default Feedback for Dragon Fast

I'm starting a feedback thread so we won't interrupt the story!

It's a pretty good opening, so far. However, it seems a little awkward and rushed. Go in and remove most of the exclamation points, check over your punctuation... It seems like most of the dialogue is "He chuckled" "She screamed" "He demanded" "She said quietly"... Most of the time, "Said" is enough. Don't overdo it on the others.

Again, I like the story itself!
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Old Nov 11 2006, 03:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

I have to agree with Brenda. It's a very nice start, but it could do with a slightly steadier pacing.

But I'd definitely like to read more of it.
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Old Nov 11 2006, 03:46 PM   #3
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

I wrote it in less than 1/2 an hour- which probably lead to the clumsiness.
there will be more but it all depends on how quickly I can answer 1/2 a dozen integration questions, 3 and a bit general physics problems and god-knows-how-many electromagnetism questions!
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Old Nov 12 2006, 02:36 PM   #4
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

Hey, take your time, go back and read through it. Try reading it out loud - you might catch more hearing it than looking at it. And make sure you know where the story is going and what is going to happen - and what the ending is going to be and how to get there!
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Old Nov 12 2006, 02:48 PM   #5
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oh, I know the ending and I know bits in between, its connecting them thats the problem!
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Old Nov 12 2006, 08:13 PM   #6
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I've been having the same problem!
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Old Nov 13 2006, 05:37 AM   #7
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

The beginning looks great, although I agree with Brenda and Kath about the pacing.
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Old Nov 13 2006, 04:44 PM   #8
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I'm looking forward to where you take this one, edith, it's a great starting premise
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Old Nov 27 2006, 08:35 AM   #9
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'nother chapter written and posted!
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Old Jun 29 2007, 04:52 PM   #10
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Default Re: Dragon Fast

Edi, I love it... this is a fantastic idea for a story..but you need to put up a feedback thread...so that we can read the story without interruptions!!!

P.S. It's great to see you back at your writing desk...I bet your Mother is happy too.
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Old Jun 29 2007, 08:20 PM   #11
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Lady Maelin, anyone can start a feedback thread... can a host please move Maelin's post so it's not in the middle of the story?

I like the story, I just wish there were more background and les dependence on dialogue.
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Old Jun 30 2007, 05:59 PM   #12
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Thank you Brenda....I thought it was the place of the writer to make her own feedback, not the reader.
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Old Jul 1 2007, 06:26 PM   #13
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there was a thread once!
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Old Jul 1 2007, 07:53 PM   #14
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

Original feedback thread found and merged in.
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Old Jul 2 2007, 08:06 PM   #15
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

Good grief, I started that one too!

Maelin, if the choice is between posting in someone's story and starting a feedback thread for them, start the new thread. It's only courteous not to interrupt the story!
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Old Jul 3 2007, 12:07 AM   #16
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

Brenda, Like I said ...I did not think it was my place to do it!!! With this particular story, I thought that perhaps Edi had forgotten to set one up, or just hadn't had time to do it as yet.
I ment no discourtesy to anyone, least of all Edi whose stories I enjoy very much...!!!

But thank you anyway... for you reminder.
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Old Jul 3 2007, 02:52 PM   #17
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

As someone who has occasionally posted stories, I am frustrated when someone posts feedback in the middle of my story. I am flattered when someone starts a feedback thread before I have a chance to.
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Old Jul 3 2007, 05:26 PM   #18
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

I like the beginning, although I too think it's a bit too dependent on dialog. Some more description wouldn't come amiss, but not too much, given that most of your readers should know what a Weyr looks like, what klah is, etc.

I haven't read the version at amcf, so my niggle may have been rectified in the rewrite, but I must say that in the two first chapters of this version there are far too many exclamation points. Sort of leaves you breathless, which I doubt was the intention.
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Old Jul 3 2007, 05:39 PM   #19
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

I got rid of a lot of those. They spawn everywhere though when I'm drafting though! (see!)
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Old Jul 4 2007, 03:44 AM   #20
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Default Re: Feedback for Dragon Fast

I do, and it's the same for me when I write, even things like emails. I end up deleting half of them, which is probably why I notice them in other people's writing.

I hope we'll get more story.
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Old Jul 4 2007, 06:31 AM   #21
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yeah- when I'm not completely exhausted.
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