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Old Mar 1 2018, 05:01 PM   #921
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a well-filled barf-bag -- it turns out to be gluten intolerant.

*Inserts two odd socks.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Mar 1 2018, 06:24 PM   #922
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Takes the two odd socks and puts them in another washer. Then Dryer, the odd socks are mated to two yet Odder socks and become important items in a new clown suit. Soon to be seen in a remake of, A Bed time for Bonzo. part Two.

Inserts a Small tin of peppermint jelly candies.
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Old Mar 2 2018, 02:50 PM   #923
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A large cloud of evil smoke emitted from the machine apprises you that this particular machine is dyslexic, and thought the label read "candles".

*Inserts an application form for an 'Enhanced Disclosure and Barring" certificate.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 2 2018, 07:30 PM   #924
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A paper airplane made from the EDB form shoots out and glides away, trailing a banner reading " Not Hiring, Not Nobody, Not No How !

Inserts the "Key" to a pair of roller Skates.
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Old Mar 3 2018, 05:12 PM   #925
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine takes off down the road performing alternating Choctaw and Lutz turns.

After ten minutes, it returns and performs a Mohawk to finish, thus enabling the insertion of an old-fashioned alarm clock.
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 5 2018, 06:32 PM   #926
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

I'm up ! I'm up ! Alarm clock is smashed to pieces when it bounces off the wall.

Inserts a set of micro tools and the clock pieces.
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Old Mar 6 2018, 01:26 PM   #927
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The alarm clock is returned rebuilt. Unfortunately it is now set to run as a sidereal clock, with the alarm going off every time the moon occludes a major star.

*Inserts a pack of cigarette filters (smoky bacon flavoured).*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 6 2018, 05:00 PM   #928
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Filters are burnt as incense, Attracting many, many cats and dogs looking for a treat, finding nothing to eat they start wandering away.

Inserts a used flea collar, ( from one of the cats)
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Old Mar 7 2018, 02:32 PM   #929
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers Charlton Heston dressed as Moses declaring, in stentorian tones, the arrival of the third Egyptian plagues.

*Inserts a one-way ticket for an all expenses paid trip to the promised land with a plenitude of stopovers each guaranteed to be utterly boring.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 7 2018, 06:40 PM   #930
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Not being quite ready for a one way trip to anywhere, the ticket is placed on the Free board beside the machine.

Inserts a set of keihin carb jets.
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Old Mar 9 2018, 03:14 AM   #931
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There's a series of metallic clatterings from inside the machine (and one loud clang from underneath it. The machine takes off down the road (pulling a wheelie) to the loud accompaniment of "Bat Out of Hell", leaving behind a chrome-vanadium torque wrench. After three minutes it noisily re-appears (it has "forgotten" to reattach the silencer) and fish-tails to a showy halt just as the track finishes; much to the admiration of a passing group of 7th-grade boys out on a school-trip.

*Inserts the chrome-vanadium torque wrench.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 9 2018, 08:04 PM   #932
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The now much quieter machine ( The Wrench was just what was needed) sits awaiting it's next deposit.

Inserts a map of America with a course marked for a trip hitting all 48 mainland States.
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Old Mar 10 2018, 06:35 AM   #933
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine extrudes sixteen short, stumpy legs and a suitcase and starts marching.

Inserts a US flag.
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Old Mar 10 2018, 05:15 PM   #934
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A robot arm appears from the machine and places the flag, now with a knot in each corner, over its top in the manner of a sunhat; and disappears round a corner.

On the arrival of a 'locum' machine, *inserts a pack of baby wipes.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Mar 21 2018, 08:43 PM   #935
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes a jar of baby food labelled peas.

Inserts three plug nickels found on the ground. Must have been leftover from the robot arm.
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Old Mar 22 2018, 05:43 PM   #936
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

From deep inside the machine, a deep voice intones, "Thank you. That will plug a hole in my cash flow." It then screams in falsetto, " Socket to me Baby!"

*Inserts a 2-amp fuse.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Apr 1 2018, 04:13 PM   #937
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The fuse is returns beautifully gift-wrapped. The attached note states (in a cockney accent) "No use to me Gov; I runs on fairy-dust, innit?"

*Inserts a picture of John Lennon.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)

Last edited by P'ter; Apr 5 2018 at 11:48 AM.
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