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Old Nov 19 2017, 03:27 PM   #801
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine bursts into song "Skep to the loo, you drongoes."

*Inserts Master Harper Roninton's journeyman gitar.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Nov 19 2017, 07:36 PM   #802
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A band of folk singers parades out singing down home tunes, on homemade instruments. belting out song after song, until late into the night, where they then fade away into the darkness.

Inserts a 3 piece suit, of plaid.
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Old Nov 21 2017, 05:44 PM   #803
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The machine William Topaz McGonagall wearing said tartan suit, and declaiming his worst poem "The Famous Tay Whale".

*Inserts a "double-elephant" drawing board.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Nov 23 2017, 05:44 PM   #804
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Sketches of wildlife , portraits, and beach scenes, spew from the machine for you to frame and sell on the sidewalk !

Inserts a pair of wooden shoes.
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Old Nov 23 2017, 06:16 PM   #805
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The machine delivers Margot Fonteyn, Svetlana Beriosova, & Darcy Bussel, all doing the Dame's dance from La Fille Mal Garde.

*Inserts a copy of Dragon's Dawn.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Nov 24 2017, 05:30 PM   #806
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A Ruth sized Bronze Dragon head peeks out to check out what is going on, Gives a squawk and disappears back inside.

Inserts an old time Stetson Cowboy hat.
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Old Nov 25 2017, 05:30 PM   #807
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine attacks you with an old fashioned Colt Peacemaker cowboy revolver.


It misses.


*Inserts a collection of Christmas-tree ornaments made from old coke cans.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Nov 25 2017, 05:39 PM   #808
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Ornaments are received just it time to decorate a Christmas tree at the Veterans Home, along with Donations from around the town, they will have a perfect Nostalgia themed Christmas !

Inserts a sincere Thank you note, And A dozen Oatmeal Raisin Cookies With A bottle of cheer !
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Old Nov 27 2017, 04:34 PM   #809
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The machine delivers Mike Yarwood doing his impression of Hughie Green's "I mean that most sincerely Folks" and bangiing the gong from "Double Your Money".

*Inserts an overdose of teenage angst.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Nov 28 2017, 05:34 PM   #810
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine begins blaring Beatle tunes, Followed by the Ramones and Beach boys, until you scream for mercy!

Inserts a coloring book and a box of Crayola crayons.
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Old Nov 29 2017, 01:55 PM   #811
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The machine extrudes a note demanding a supply of picture frames.

*Inserts just one frame.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Nov 29 2017, 08:22 PM   #812
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3D printed copies of said frame, With machine original, Crayola colored pictures begin appearing in high end art galleries for sale at $150.00 each. All profits from the sales go to the " Lost pygmies support fund " of London England.

Inserts A Movie Poster From the original "King Kong "
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Old Nov 30 2017, 04:07 PM   #813
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The machine delivers a small monkey, which clings to the machine in a cheap 3-D imitation of the poster; whilst being strafed by a anachronistic drone.

*Inserts a year planner for 1665.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Nov 30 2017, 09:15 PM   #814
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Machine delivers a list of venues to visit in 1665, Sorry to disappoint, but all were closed due to plague.

Inserts a Candied fruit Rum Cake and a mug of lightly sweetened spiced tea.
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Old Dec 1 2017, 06:57 AM   #815
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Santa emerges, licking his lips and looking around for more ...

Inserts one Christmas elf.
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Old Dec 1 2017, 07:59 AM   #816
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers, and surrounds itself, with large quantities of reindeer poo.

*Stuffs as much of it as possible back into the machine.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 1 2017, 05:57 PM   #817
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No fertilizer for you! Machine wishes you a Merry Christmas and ejects your Christmas gift, A lump of Coal! Coated in Reindeer Poo !

Inserts a Top Hat and cane,
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Old Dec 2 2017, 05:28 PM   #818
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The machine delivers a smart gift-wrapped case containing a complete Fred Astair dressing set complete with tap-shoes. It then turns itself into a dressing room in which you may change. You dance off down the road forgetting the machine; and have to return somewhat later to find the machine in a huff and refusing to open its insert slot.

After giving the machine a demonstration of how not to dance "The Way You Look tonight" it condescends to allow you to *insert a very small rain storm.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 2 2017, 08:19 PM   #819
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The small rain storm is returned enlarged, After being rained on by small thunder cloud for most of the day, you are drenched and floating in your shoes. After many attempts to remove your soaked and shrunken shoes and socks you finally get relief.

Inserts a shoe horn and some Lavender soap.
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Old Dec 2 2017, 09:59 PM   #820
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A boy emerges and starts polishing your shoes for you.

*inserts a box containing a puzzle*
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Old Dec 8 2017, 08:48 AM   #821
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The machine delivers Mister Rubik armed with all the versions of his cube, including the Irish (all white) version.

*Inserts a roll of clingfilm.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 9 2017, 03:18 PM   #822
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Using the roll of Clingfilm, to weave a panel to shield all from a small thunder cloud that is rather insistent on following people around and raining on their parades.

Inserts a Magic Elfin Dagger passed down from ages gone by.
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Old Dec 11 2017, 07:26 AM   #823
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a card inscribed "Thankyou. Bilbo Baggins."

*Inserts a snowplough*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 12 2017, 06:25 PM   #824
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

After the plough clears a path to the store, We return home where we enjoy a nice breakfast of green eggs and ham.

Inserts a well read copy of Dr. Seuss's Thing 1 and Thing 2.
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Old Dec 13 2017, 07:48 AM   #825
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The machine delivers a tan onesie and a box of blue hair dye.

*Inserts a winch and the Grinch.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 13 2017, 07:07 PM   #826
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The Grinch runs away screaming the Who's are after him, The winch is used to hoist the roast beast to the table and the feasting begins, Who's and all !

Inserts a Calendar from the year 1959 and a Free pass to the movie of your choice.
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Old Dec 15 2017, 11:16 AM   #827
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The machine delivers a personal invitation from Pope John XXIII to the opening of Vatican 2, and a d.v.d. of Anderson's film "Pope Joan".

*Inserts the original announcement of the birth of Christ from the Bethlehem Times of 25th December 7BC.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 15 2017, 04:48 PM   #828
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It is verified, this is the only known original announcement of the holy birth in the world, it sells at auction for us$150,000,000. to the Vatican. All proceeds to go to the homeless Orphans of South American Pygmy's .

Inserts a copy of the flyer from the auction.
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Old Dec 15 2017, 05:34 PM   #829
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The machine goes into full auction mode, taking bids from invisible bidders. Just as the gavel bangs down on the final bid ($250) you realise that the machine has just sold your signed first edition of Weyr Search! You burst into tears.

*Inserts a wet tissue.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 15 2017, 10:15 PM   #830
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A tissue paper rose emerges.

*Inserts an alien skull*
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Old Dec 17 2017, 10:17 AM   #831
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine front opens to allow a very puzzled Carl Linnaeus to walk out trying to decide how to classify said alien skull.

*Inserts a pair of my grandson's socks (almost an alien life form)*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 19 2017, 08:08 PM   #832
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine will not accept Bio warfare weapons. Said Sock is spit back to you encased in a polymer shield. United Nations security has been notified. Smelly socks are serious stuff!

Inserts a case of air freshener in a nice pine scent.
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Old Dec 20 2017, 06:30 AM   #833
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The space around the machine transforms into a Cascadian courtroom about to hear the case of Captain Vatta versus Captain Furman. All personel are correctly adorned with wreaths of pine.

*Inserts a green jellybaby.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)

Last edited by P'ter; Dec 22 2017 at 05:49 PM.
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Old Dec 21 2017, 08:10 PM   #834
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With a rumble and a Quiver, out oozes a Giant green Jelly baby which proceeds to bumble and bounce around London leaving globs of green sticky parts of itself all about. until it disintegrates.

Inserts a giant Rolaid antacid tablet.
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Old Dec 22 2017, 05:58 PM   #835
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The machine lets fly with the world's loudest and .longest belch, which shakes the machine to pieces, and results in eighteen people being taken to hospital with acute hearing loss.

After the replacement machine is installed; *inserts a old piece of cardboard on which is written "Welcome to the quietest corner of hell."*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 22 2017, 06:47 PM   #836
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After quietly reading, the sign bursts into flame, 2 weeks later after most of London has burnt to the ground. the fire is blamed on a rodent gnawing on wiring.

Inserts a Theresa May Chia Pet.
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Old Dec 23 2017, 08:40 AM   #837
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By some freak of quantum mechanics coupled with a quark resonator, what the msachine returns is a Chia Teresa May with green pottery wellies. This is appropriated by Boris Johnson.

*Inserts a sample of reindeer poo.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Dec 23 2017, 03:17 PM   #838
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A baby reindeer with a glowing red nose and sparkling antlers appears.

*Inserts a bundle of tik shoots*

::Grins at P'ter and goes back to reading Cold Welcome::
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Thinking, understanding, reasoning, willing, call not these
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Akhenaton? (c. B.C. 1375)
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Old Dec 24 2017, 07:38 AM   #839
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A door opens on the machine and an Bollywood film crew charge out chased by an elephant.

*Inserts the world's first sample of dehydrated water.*
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Old Dec 24 2017, 10:27 PM   #840
Dragon Fan
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine does nothing, finally a blinking light is noticed and denotes," no sample inserted" after 15 minutes the machine accepts your sample and delivers you a response.

Inserts a sliver of Obsidian rock.
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