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Old Jan 22 2018, 07:48 PM   #881
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A couple Retro Beach Boys drop out singing Surfin USA, and riding the waves !

Inserts an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini !
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Old Jan 25 2018, 05:45 AM   #882
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a rather worried young lady looking for said bikini. Incidentaly, when they were first sold you only got the bottom half!

*Inserts a membership card for the Alice Springs Lifesaving Club.*
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Old Jan 25 2018, 09:15 PM   #883
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine applauds you service to the youth of Alice Springs, The machine passes your card along to other civic minded lifeguards, for alas, the machine can not swim.

Inserts a tape of a tour of Irish castles.
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Old Jan 27 2018, 08:01 AM   #884
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With a loud "shlurp" the ground around the machine turns semi-liquid and the machine is sucked under. The replacement has to be site elsewhere.

*Inserts a guide book of Kentucky distilleries.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Jan 27 2018, 08:31 PM   #885
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After visiting, and, a sampling from each distillery, The Machine is arrested for drunk Vending without proper permits. After a court battle a new permit is issued and vending can continue.

Inserts a new pair of socks and a plastic shower liner.
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Old Jan 28 2018, 09:21 AM   #886
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A deep basso-profundo voice starts singing "I'm singing in the rain . . ." and sudsey water commences to overflow from the vending slot. After a long pause the machine lifts slightly to reveal a pair of feet wiggling their toes with the sheer delight of wearing new socks.

*Inserts a pair of clean underpants."
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Jan 28 2018, 10:44 AM   #887
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The Machine makes approving rumbles, a panel slides open revealing a most perfectly shaped Bum encased in the underpants, moving to the sounds of, 2 in a rooms, " Wiggle it "

Inserts a 50 pound bag of popcorn.
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Old Jan 29 2018, 10:50 PM   #888
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The sugar overload causes the machine to go hyperglycemic, and dance down the road caroling the well known chanson "Knight and Dame, you are the one".

*Inserts the rubbish result of pulling an all night study session.*
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 1 2018, 05:52 PM   #889
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The rubbish burnt in a small Chimney stove, cooks some hotdogs and beans for dinner, One mans trash is another mans heat.

Inserts a bag of ashes from the burnt rubbish.
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Old Feb 2 2018, 07:34 AM   #890
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The machine delivers a tombstone for Professor Henri Louis Chatelain, Master of Arts, Docteur de Lettres, 13/08/1877 - 19/08/1915.

*Inserts a naked burrito.*
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 2 2018, 06:33 PM   #891
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Oh no ! not a Burrito ! Machine disappears in a flash of white light! Returns Quaking in fear, and repeating over and over, Please. Please. Please. Don't ask me to eat a 5 pound Burrito !

Inserts a full bottle of antacid tablets.
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Old Feb 3 2018, 12:39 PM   #892
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The machine's delivery slot opens and it burbs at 140dB. It then farts a la Tunderpants and it takes off in the direction of Uranus.

After a new machine is installed: *inserts a "welcome-to-your-new-home" card.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 3 2018, 06:39 PM   #893
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The new machine, having retained all the memory of all the machine incarnations before it thanks everyone involved it it's use, and the many items vended thru it since it was created.

Inserts a Birthday cake.
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Old Feb 4 2018, 08:56 AM   #894
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The machine delivers a collection of fork handles!

*Inserts a trug*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 4 2018, 09:45 PM   #895
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Many cut flower arrangements are made possible, Lover, wives, Sweethearts are made very happy!

Inserts a mouth harp.
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Old Feb 5 2018, 09:45 AM   #896
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The machine starts swinging an aeolian harp which hits you on the back of the head and knocks you out.

When you come to: *inserts a card saying "Ouch!"*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 6 2018, 06:56 PM   #897
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Ouch indeed, Machine is heard to have given out a chuckle when the Harp made contact.

Inserts a gallon of Super glue into the machine to prevent Harp swinging.
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Old Feb 8 2018, 09:50 AM   #898
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Unfortunately, whatever the maching was about to deliver is now stuck firmly into the interior.

*inserts 5 gallons of nail-varnish remove to dissolve the superglue.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)

Last edited by P'ter; Feb 9 2018 at 04:42 PM.
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Old Feb 8 2018, 05:28 PM   #899
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Gooey glob flows out.

Reinserts the harp.
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Old Feb 9 2018, 04:47 PM   #900
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A long and loud series of twangs can be heard issuing from the harp, along with the noises of chopping and sawing. Eventually the machine delivers 1527 miniature harps and a humanoid shape totally bound up in harp strings of varying thicknesses and lengths.

*Inserts a pair of ballet tights.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 9 2018, 10:15 PM   #901
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As no Ballerina is currently available, the tights are filled with suet, to feed the birds on harsh winter days.

inserts a video of the " kukla, fran, and ollie " show.
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Old Feb 10 2018, 03:53 PM   #902
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There comes a noise of galloping hooves, and two glove puppets arrive on the pavement along with Muffin the Mule who kicks them into the middle distance (and chases after them).

*Inserts the waste packaging from a new laptop.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 13 2018, 01:22 PM   #903
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A pamphlet reminding you to recycle emerges.

*inserts a broken laptop*
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Old Feb 13 2018, 04:50 PM   #904
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A note reminding you to send broken laptops in their original packaging emerges.

Inserts a boomerang ( broken in half, it kept coming back out)
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Old Feb 15 2018, 03:37 PM   #905
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The machine finally delivers a bola with one weight missing.

*Inserts a maths exam paper.*
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 18 2018, 02:13 PM   #906
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Exam paper is returned with corrections made on incorrect answers ( not many ).

inserts a corrected Pencil, because everyone knows the wrong answers are the Pencils fault.
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Old Feb 18 2018, 02:54 PM   #907
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The machine delivers a Diploma stating that you got a grade B, as that's the best you can get with a pencil. It's either that or an H.

*Inserts a Confederate Double Eagle.*
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 19 2018, 10:58 PM   #908
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Machine breaks out in ABBA tune, Money,Money,Money!

Inserts Rumpelstiltskin's dagger.
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Old Feb 21 2018, 06:10 PM   #909
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To the accompaniment of loud female screams, the machine delivers Rapunzel's shorn locks. A small shutter opens and she reaches out, unsuccessfully, to grab them back. She now has a punk hair-do! She is shoved out of the way by Rumpelstiltskin who apologises for getting mixed up in the wrong story; and claims he was meant to carve Cinderella's pumpkin ready for Halloween.

*Inserts a piglet.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 21 2018, 06:28 PM   #910
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Christopher Robbin, followed by Eyor, Kanga, Roo, and of course Winnie the Pooh and Tigger ( Bouncing ) too, Thank you for returning THE piglet to his rightful place in the Story. They all skip away, in search of a honey tree of course.

Inserts a Thimble.
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Old Feb 22 2018, 06:16 AM   #911
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Tinkerbell flits out of the machine and gives you a kiss before flying off to join Christopher Robin and company.

Inserts the Mad Hatter's teapot, complete with dormouse ...
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Old Feb 22 2018, 06:17 PM   #912
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Sugarcube-sized mouse bits drop out.

Inserts an old instamatic photo of a broken violin A string...
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Old Feb 23 2018, 05:21 PM   #913
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The machine replies with a G-string. Gypsy Rose Lee is still 'inside' it!

*Inserts a new-born sized diaper.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 23 2018, 09:47 PM   #914
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The smell that drift out of the machine are quite...Aromatic!

Inserts a gallon sized bottle of disinfection solution........ And a new Diaper.
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Old Feb 24 2018, 05:13 PM   #915
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There's a loud crashing noise. After a bit the diaper is returned with a message written on it. "In order to function to its designed standards; this machine relies on a certain degree of pollution. For an indeterminate period, therefore, the output is liable to fall below our usual high standards of Heisenbergian Uncertainty or Indeterminacy. Output may well be rational. You have been warned."

*Inserts the last sheet from a file pad.*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 24 2018, 11:53 PM   #916
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A supply of new file pads are ejected, seems the last page had ( Time to Reorder ) on the backside of the sheet. The Bill for the new pads is also delivered.

Inserts a tail light for a 1971 Volkswagen Beetle, original old stock.
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Old Feb 26 2018, 08:29 AM   #917
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The machine delivers an original VW elektro-zubehör still in its box.

*With difficulty, inserts the electric pre-selector gearbox from an Armstrong Siddley Sapphire 3.65 litre saloon.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Feb 26 2018, 09:55 PM   #918
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Horns and whistles blow loudly, Hurrah! We can Drive miss Daisy Again!

Inserts an entire radio controlled Spitfire model Airplane.
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Old Feb 27 2018, 04:29 PM   #919
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The machine rejects the Spitfire; and follows it up with a radio-controlled Me109 which chases the Spit. A puppy-fight ensues (They're not big enough for it to be a dog-fight). Eventually, the Me109 bites the dust and the Spit flies off into the distance doing victory rolls.

*Inserts an original recording of the trial of Rudolph Hess, made on a wire recorder.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Feb 27 2018, 10:44 PM   #920
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
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Fan of: The Smallest Dragonboy
Now Reading: The Rift
Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Silence..................Tears of Sorrow..............Slow Healing...............Never Forgetting.

Inserts a corn muffin mix and 3 racks of Ribs from Corky's of Memphis Tennessee ! Yum !
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