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Old Dec 18 2004, 12:26 PM   #1
RogueDragon
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Unhappy Problem, Help!

My boyfriend snuck out last night to go to the clubs, he also took my timecard and took out $100. My son and I were asleep at the time. I got up in the midle of the night to see to my son and he was gone. I stayed up until he came home and then he tried to tell me that he was at his mothers house visiting with his brother. I could tell that he went out because he was dressed up and cut his hair and showered. He finally confessed. I'm so ticked off! But there's nothing I can do, my sister says to kick him out, but I have no family here and I can't afford day care. I feel stuck. Any advice?
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Old Dec 18 2004, 12:35 PM   #2
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

I think your sister may be on to something. Don't necessarily need to kick him out but maybe you need to take a serious look at the relationship. Has he ever done anything like this before? Maybe if you look at things it may be that he should be a friend who is a boy rather then a BOYFRIEND

What ever happens I hope you are ok.
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Old Dec 18 2004, 01:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

DOes he pull this type of crap often? If he does, you need to toss his butt to the curb, and look at federal or state aid for you and your son.

You can less afford a lying, stealing SOB in your life than day care or asking for help.
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Old Dec 18 2004, 02:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

If hes doing it a lot, don't let him get away with it! Tell him to stop it it or you might have to evaluate 'where this is going' or something.

If hes lying, then he knows he shouldn't do it.
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Old Dec 18 2004, 02:12 PM   #5
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

This is the first time that he did it. We've kinda been having some problems with our relationship. I work full time and go to school part time. So, we made a deal when I got pregant, He'd stay at home take care of the kid and the housework and I'd cover all the bills. It was ok until he started playing an online game. He stays up all night. I should have seen the signs. He has a daughter by another woman. I should have known it wouldn't work. I have the rottenest luck with men. I should've stayed single.

Last edited by RogueDragon; Dec 18 2004 at 02:18 PM. Reason: spelling error
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Old Dec 18 2004, 03:17 PM   #6
AnnMarie
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RogueDragon
This is the first time that he did it. We've kinda been having some problems with our relationship. I work full time and go to school part time. So, we made a deal when I got pregant, He'd stay at home take care of the kid and the housework and I'd cover all the bills. It was ok until he started playing an online game. He stays up all night. I should have seen the signs. He has a daughter by another woman. I should have known it wouldn't work. I have the rottenest luck with men. I should've stayed single.
RIGHT NOW stop beating yourself up over it. It wasn't YOUR fault, it was HIS. You were upfront and honest with him. He wasn't the same with you.

Next, sit down with him and ask him where he thinks YOUR relationship is going, what expectations you both have, and what you both want. It could be he's been feeling left out of the loop, and started to resent being Mr Mom. You need to find out now. If that's the case, get him out, but make SURE you get some type of child support. And make sure he can't take anything out of the apartment without you being there, or you;ll come home to find the computer and anything worth money gone.
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Old Dec 18 2004, 05:06 PM   #7
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnMarie
It could be he's been feeling left out of the loop, and started to resent being Mr Mom. You need to find out now. If that's the case, get him out, but make SURE you get some type of child support.
I'm not sure that might be the best option if he does feel left out of the loop.

I'm not sure how much effort you both put into maintaining the relationship; you both need to spend some time together, and not neccesarily with your child in tow, and concentrate on being together as a couple. You might like to try and find a babysitter, for regular evenings that you have free, then spending time together going out, and connecting, communicating. He needs to know that you love him, naturally, but that his welfare is important to you, and that he is more and other than just a childcare specialist. I don't mean to take him out to expensive places and buy him gifts -- it is not material things he needs so much as you, your time, attention and love.

The main thing is that he needs attention, and you need to juggle work, study, family and him. Perhaps one solution is working less hours, even though you have less pay, having him pick up a part-time job, and sharing the childcare duties between you. In relation to money then, you should have a common pool of money into which you place a fixed proportion of your incomes, irregardless of what it is -- this is for bills, food, joint expenses; anything else beyond that is your own amount to spend. That way, if you both work, and you both take care of your child, you can understand and appreciate how the other feels. This is just one idea; the main thing is for you both to sit down, be honest and frank, and work out your own solution whereby everyone including your child wins.

If, however, you find that the relationship is not worth pursuing, that is another matter.
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Old Dec 18 2004, 11:46 PM   #8
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

Good Job Ghyle! everything he said. Work on the relationship. It honestly sounds like your BF's trying to act out to get you to notice him....but if the relationship isn't worth persuing and all that stuff....or if he continues to do all this and lie to you etc, kick his butt out and follow AnnMarie's advice.

PS/edited for: see if you can find one or two local college students that would be willing to babysit while they aren't in school. You said you were in school part-time right? See if some of your friends know some people that are free during the hours you have classes and are at work. Post up flyers or something. Students work for lots cheaper then putting the kid in daycare. We get these kinds of offers all the time where I go to school. Most of us will work for about $6 to $8 per hour, or work out a salary with the students if that's alittle steep on the charges. Just make sure it's enough to cover gas money. How old is your child?
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Old Dec 19 2004, 12:02 PM   #9
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

Thanks those are all wonderful ideas. My son is 15 months old and very active.
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Old Dec 19 2004, 04:38 PM   #10
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

I only hope that I can help out in my own little way, to make things better.
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Old Dec 22 2004, 07:01 AM   #11
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Default Re: Problem, Help!

Ghyle has good advice. A translator from the "Y" side of things.

Don't accept poor treatment, and lying and stealing are definately poor treatment. If it becomes a trend, than it's time to cut him loose. However, when one person is bringing in the money, that sometimes makes the other person feel trapped if they don't have income. Being an adult who has to ask someone else for spending money bites. If you choose to keep the current arrangement (after you talk about it together) then making sure that he has access to some money after the bills are paid is a good idea. A 'date night' sans kid is a good idea for the two of you. Spending time as a couple is essential. More so with a kid.

Don't pitch it out before you see if it's reperable. However, don't beat yourself up if it's not.


Good luck.

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