Game: The Universal Vending Machine

[Kugai]

Out comes The Beatles in a yellow submarine.


*Inserts an Apple*

[P'ter]

The machine returns the Khor.

*Inserts a pip.*

[Kugai]

Out comes Captain Janeway who thanks you for returning it, she'd been looking everywhere for it.


*Inserts a Seven of Nine Action Figure*

[Dragon Fan]

Out comes a Borg cube

" inserts a set of children's building blocks "

[P'ter]

The machine returns child built of building blocks.

*Inserts the remains of a Meccano set.*

[Kugai]

There are various construction type noises, then James May steps out and hands you a fully restored Mecano Crane.


*Inserts a Rolls Royce Hood Ornament*

[P'ter]

Out steps Eleanor Velasco Thornton, complete with fluttering robes.

*Inserts a half-used burger-bun.*

[Kugai]

Out steps Ronald McDonald and hands you a Doubledown Burger with firs and a coke

*Inserts a bag of Ice*

[P'ter]

After the machine extrudes a tongue of said frozen water, me lud, an ice sculpture of Rodin's The Thinker, seated on a toilet, glides out.

*Inserts half a pair of roller blades.*

[Kugai]

Out comes a Scooter


*Inserts a yellow brick*

[Dragon Fan]

Out comes a scale model of the City of Oz.

" Inserts a flat tire "

[P'ter]

The machine delivers an exhaust pipe with a hole in the silencer.

*Insets a plastic £5 note.*

[vyon]

You get $4.95 in change in plastic coins. (Sorry, my computer does not appear to have a pound sign)

Inserts three rubber ducks

[Kugai]

Out steps Hewy, Dewy and Louie being chased by an annoyed Uncle


*Inserts a set of Bagpipes*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a memo, in quadruplicate, from the Ministry of Defense complaining that they have enough drones already, and yours are the wrong type of drones.

*Inserts a banana split.*

[Dragon Fan]

Out slip a prescription for Diabetes meds.

" inserts a broken car horn "

[P'ter]

Out rolls the car with the crumpled horn, which squashes the dog that was chasing the cat, which was killing the rat (all covered in fleas) That lived in the house that's Jack's lease.


*Inserts a fidget spinner*

[Kugai]

Out comes a Drone Helicopter

*Inserts a pair of Night Vision Goggles*

[P'ter]

Out comes a night-raiding fox
Wearing the night-vision goggles
And two pairs of thermal socks
Held on with a series of toggles.

*Inserts a thesaurus.*

[Kugai]

Out comes Dina from DoA to thank you for the new Dinosaur book,


*Inserts a Rimshot soundbite*

[P'ter]

Out marches the drummers of the Royal Marine Central Band firing off rolls, flams, and fancy stick wavings.

*Inserts just one square of milk chocolate.*

[Dragon Fan]

Out flops a woman screaming " One square of chocolate is not enough"

" Reinserts the screaming woman"

[Kugai]

Out comes a 1kg bar of Milk Chocolate

Inserts a pair of Ear Protectors*

[P'ter]

What appear to be the ear-protectors are returned. On donning them you find that they've swapped for a pair of cordless headphones playing Meatloaf at full blast.

*Inserts an occupied hamster ball.*

[Kugai]

The machine suddenly goes into overdrive and vanshes in a bright light and a loud pop


*Replaces machine and inserts a Warp Core*

[Dragon Fan]

Out falls a Scotty Star Trek figurine.

" Inserts a Garden hose"

[P'ter]

After a sepulchral voice intones "let us spray"; the machine sends a large jet of water into the air soaking everybody within 20 metres.

*Inserts a South African Rand.*

[Kugai]

The machine disgorges a life sized Nelson Mandela doll

*Inserts a picture of Mohandis K. Ghandi*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a pair of sandals and a begging bowl.

*Inserts a dhoti.*

[Kugai]

Misunderstanding the name, I launder, dry and iron the Dhoti and return it to the machine in a vacuum sealed bag.


*Inserts Babel Fish in a jar*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a card bearing the answer to the ultimate question; unfortunately it is only correct if you are a mouse working in number base fifteen-and-a-quarter.

*Inserts a stroppy teenager.*

[Kugai]

There are some odd noises then a soft 'THUMP' and said teenager comes flying out on the end of a size twelve Doc Martin boot.


*Inserts a bucket of cold water*

[vyon]

It follows the teenager.

re-inserts the Doc Martin boot

[P'ter]

Out comes the ghost of Pope John-Paul saying, "Why ees zeez Doc Martins not white how I like zem?"

*Inserts a voucher for a free Linguaphone course in Italian.*

[Kugai]

Out comes the course manager to make you an offer you can't refuse




*Inserts a Mandolin*

[P'ter]

Pelagia Iannis stalks out and complains that you are not Antonio.

*Inserts an alarm clock.*

[Kugai]

There is the sound of banging and smashing, then the clock emerges - on pieces.



*Inserts a Clock Radio*

[P'ter]

The machine treats in exactly the same way.

*Inserts a bicycle chain.*

[Dragon Fan]

Out comes the missing link............of chain.

"inserts a bowl of vegetable soup"

[P'ter]

You are very lucky: the machine delivers a trolley with the other 5 courses of the meal. (Plus the bill for $199.95 + 14% sales tax, 17.5% V.A.T. AND 10% compulsory staff tip. Total = $282.93)

*Inserts a Tibetan Srang*