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Old Sep 21 2017, 03:01 PM   #721
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine, still showing all the hallmarks of dyslexi, delivers a battered Crocker motorbike.

*Inserts a bank overdraft.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Sep 22 2017, 09:04 PM   #722
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Dour faced Financial Advisor emerges to give you sound advice

*Inserts a pair of Ear Protector Muffs*
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Old Sep 23 2017, 08:31 AM   #723
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine clanks, whistles, and spits them out again. You put them on so you can't hear that financial adviser telling you you don't need another new car.

Inserts a used, empty ballot-box.
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Old Sep 23 2017, 01:15 PM   #724
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Through vents on its top, the machine ejects thousands of ballot papers which scatter knee deep around it. In a deep voice it demands a recount.

*Inserts a pepperoni pizza.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 23 2017, 07:35 PM   #725
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Scoffs Pizza, burps and returns empty box for Recycling.


*Inserts a packet of Gummy Snakes*
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Old Sep 24 2017, 06:03 AM   #726
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The gummy snakes flee the machine pursued by a gummy mongoose.

*Inserts a jeroboam of champagne.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 24 2017, 08:18 PM   #727
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Trades it for a Barrel of Guinness


*Inserts a Pint Glass*
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Old Sep 24 2017, 09:05 PM   #728
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Receives said pint glass back filled with a hard cider, Quite refreshing !

" Inserts a jug of Moonshine "
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Old Sep 25 2017, 04:43 PM   #729
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a large glass container of glittery starshine.

*Inserts a photo-shopped photo of Winston Churchill giving his victory sign the wrong way round.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 25 2017, 07:32 PM   #730
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Sets it beside the one of him dressed in a Pinstripe Suit and had with a Tommy Gun - looking for all the world like a Chicago Gangster


*Inserts a Stogie*
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Old Sep 28 2017, 03:50 PM   #731
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a loud splash and Harvey Cheyne appears sprawled on the pavement, dressed in a cherry blazer, knickerbockers, red stockings and bicycle shoes. His red flannel cap falls off. He is promptly extremely sea-sick and disappears down his own vomit.

*Inserts a vacuum cleaner.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 29 2017, 07:38 PM   #732
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a weird noise and suddenly the Machine collapses in on itself with a wierd schlooping noise.

Replaces Machine and *Inserts a bottle of Romulan Ale*
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Old Sep 30 2017, 06:17 AM   #733
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine staggers off down the street from lamppost to lamppost going "Warf! Warf!"

The usual slot being unavailable: *injects Old Mother Hubbard's Patent Cure-all through a vent slot.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 1 2017, 05:16 PM   #734
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine immediately sobers up, apologises and returns to its usual position


*Inserts a Silver Bullet(
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Old Oct 2 2017, 06:02 PM   #735
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine enlarges somewhat and delivers a polished aluminium caravan.

*Inserts an empty gas cylinder*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 3 2017, 05:35 PM   #736
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Converts cylinder into a nice Pot Belly Woodburning Stove and warms up the house.


*Inserts a Cord of Wood*
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Old Oct 4 2017, 03:35 AM   #737
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine sounds off with the opening chord of Tchaikovsky's Eugene Onegin in as premiered by Wood in1892.

*Inserts a roll of old-fashioned hard, shiny toilet paper.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 4 2017, 07:41 PM   #738
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Sets fire to it yelling and screaming in terror.

*Inserts a bottle of Holy Water*
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Old Oct 5 2017, 06:37 PM   #739
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A loud scream is heard and the machine shivers, sprouting a tail and horns. A passing priest takes pity on it and hits it with his bible; whereupon the horns mutate into a halo, the machine sprouts wings and flies away.

After the machine has been replaced (yet again: le sigh!) *inserts the priest.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 6 2017, 06:09 PM   #740
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is the sound of Horns, Harps and a Holy Chorus and he reemerges as Pope


*Inserts a Shepherds Crook*
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Old Oct 6 2017, 08:09 PM   #741
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A herd of Sheep run you over as they flee from the Crook !

Inserts a roll of bandages and a Splint.
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Old Oct 7 2017, 01:12 PM   #742
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers the bandages back, wrapped around an invisible mummy with a splinted fractured leg.

*Inserts a bill for Obama-care.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 7 2017, 05:47 PM   #743
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Sends Bill to the Republican Party



*Inserts a Trump Hat*
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Old Oct 8 2017, 07:04 AM   #744
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

It rolls itself into a trumpet and tootles off into the distance searching for the right hairpiece.

Inserts a teeter-totter, one end painted blue, the other red and green, with a local politician standing on it wondering which way to go.
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Old Oct 8 2017, 04:30 PM   #745
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers the politician back, well perforated from sitting on the fence too long. He gallops off in all directions.

*In true Navy Lark tradition, inserts a street map of Broadstairs.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 8 2017, 05:48 PM   #746
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine read the Map wrong and winds up in Broadchurch.


*Inserts a SatNav*
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Old Oct 10 2017, 05:40 PM   #747
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine rejects the Satnav with the message "I ain't going nowhere."

*Inserts a steady cam.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 10 2017, 07:20 PM   #748
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a loud 'POP' and you and the Machine suddenly find yourselfves on the Forest Moon of Endor as Speeder Bikes scream past you at high speed. One crashes explosively into the Machine.

When you come to a couple of minutes later, it's midnight and you're on the grass at the New Jersey Turnpike next to a Statue of john Malkovich

*Replaces Machine and inserts a picture of Angilina Jolie*
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Old Oct 11 2017, 05:04 PM   #749
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A rumble from the machine heralds the arrival of a Lego-sized Lara Croft who lies sprawled on the sidewalk. A further rumble leads to her getting buried in thousands of Malteesers.

*Inserts a helping of mint-choc chip ice-cream.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 11 2017, 07:01 PM   #750
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Deanna Troi emerges, thanks you for the Ice Cream while returning the Bowl and Spoon then reenters the Machine

*Inserts a Seven of Nine Action Figure*
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Old Oct 12 2017, 05:05 PM   #751
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers 30 punnets of strawberries.

*Inserts an inflatable cushion.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 13 2017, 05:49 PM   #752
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Inflates Cushion and uses same as backrest



*Inserts a Coupon for a Shiatzu Massage*
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Old Oct 14 2017, 04:34 PM   #753
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers two animals: a Maine Coon cat massaging a Shih Tzu.

*Inserts a plastic fork.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Oct 14 2017, 06:16 PM   #754
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine delivers a Railways Pork Pie on a paper Plate with a plastic Knife and Fork

*Inserts a Railways Tea Cup*
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Old Oct 16 2017, 07:20 AM   #755
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

It bounces around in the machine with a horrible clatter, is ejected at speed, ricochets off a concrete wall and a passing rubbish truck before landing at your feet - without a scratch or a chip.

Thinks she might have more luck inserting a concrete mixer.
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Old Oct 16 2017, 07:32 PM   #756
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes a large stack of concrete blocks.

After constructing a BBQ pit, Inserts a perfectly roasted rack of pork ribs, Dripping with a Tangy Sauce.
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Old Oct 17 2017, 05:40 PM   #757
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine belches and delivers a card requesting antacid.

*Inserts an entire bottle of Enos Fruit Salts.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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