Game: The Universal Vending Machine

[P'ter]

The machine, still showing all the hallmarks of dyslexi, delivers a battered Crocker motorbike.

*Inserts a bank overdraft.*

[Kugai]

Dour faced Financial Advisor emerges to give you sound advice

*Inserts a pair of Ear Protector Muffs*

[vyon]

The machine clanks, whistles, and spits them out again. You put them on so you can't hear that financial adviser telling you you don't need another new car.

Inserts a used, empty ballot-box.

[P'ter]

Through vents on its top, the machine ejects thousands of ballot papers which scatter knee deep around it. In a deep voice it demands a recount.

*Inserts a pepperoni pizza.*

[Kugai]

Scoffs Pizza, burps and returns empty box for Recycling.


*Inserts a packet of Gummy Snakes*

[P'ter]

The gummy snakes flee the machine pursued by a gummy mongoose.

*Inserts a jeroboam of champagne.*

[Kugai]

Trades it for a Barrel of Guinness


*Inserts a Pint Glass*

[Dragon Fan]

Receives said pint glass back filled with a hard cider, Quite refreshing !

" Inserts a jug of Moonshine "

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a large glass container of glittery starshine.

*Inserts a photo-shopped photo of Winston Churchill giving his victory sign the wrong way round.*

[Kugai]

Sets it beside the one of him dressed in a Pinstripe Suit and had with a Tommy Gun - looking for all the world like a Chicago Gangster


*Inserts a Stogie*

[P'ter]

There is a loud splash and Harvey Cheyne appears sprawled on the pavement, dressed in a cherry blazer, knickerbockers, red stockings and bicycle shoes. His red flannel cap falls off. He is promptly extremely sea-sick and disappears down his own vomit.

*Inserts a vacuum cleaner.*

[Kugai]

There is a weird noise and suddenly the Machine collapses in on itself with a wierd schlooping noise.

Replaces Machine and *Inserts a bottle of Romulan Ale*

[P'ter]

The machine staggers off down the street from lamppost to lamppost going "Warf! Warf!"

The usual slot being unavailable: *injects Old Mother Hubbard's Patent Cure-all through a vent slot.*

[Kugai]

Machine immediately sobers up, apologises and returns to its usual position


*Inserts a Silver Bullet(

[P'ter]

The machine enlarges somewhat and delivers a polished aluminium caravan.

*Inserts an empty gas cylinder*

[Kugai]

Converts cylinder into a nice Pot Belly Woodburning Stove and warms up the house.


*Inserts a Cord of Wood*

[P'ter]

The machine sounds off with the opening chord of Tchaikovsky's Eugene Onegin in as premiered by Wood in1892.

*Inserts a roll of old-fashioned hard, shiny toilet paper.*

[Kugai]

Sets fire to it yelling and screaming in terror.

*Inserts a bottle of Holy Water*

[P'ter]

A loud scream is heard and the machine shivers, sprouting a tail and horns. A passing priest takes pity on it and hits it with his bible; whereupon the horns mutate into a halo, the machine sprouts wings and flies away.

After the machine has been replaced (yet again: le sigh!) *inserts the priest.*

[Kugai]

There is the sound of Horns, Harps and a Holy Chorus and he reemerges as Pope


*Inserts a Shepherds Crook*

[Dragon Fan]

A herd of Sheep run you over as they flee from the Crook !

Inserts a roll of bandages and a Splint.

[P'ter]

The machine delivers the bandages back, wrapped around an invisible mummy with a splinted fractured leg.

*Inserts a bill for Obama-care.*

[Kugai]

Sends Bill to the Republican Party



*Inserts a Trump Hat*

[vyon]

It rolls itself into a trumpet and tootles off into the distance searching for the right hairpiece.

Inserts a teeter-totter, one end painted blue, the other red and green, with a local politician standing on it wondering which way to go.

[P'ter]

The machine delivers the politician back, well perforated from sitting on the fence too long. He gallops off in all directions.

*In true Navy Lark tradition, inserts a street map of Broadstairs.*

[Kugai]

Machine read the Map wrong and winds up in Broadchurch.


*Inserts a SatNav*

[P'ter]

The machine rejects the Satnav with the message "I ain't going nowhere."

*Inserts a steady cam.*

[Kugai]

There is a loud 'POP' and you and the Machine suddenly find yourselfves on the Forest Moon of Endor as Speeder Bikes scream past you at high speed. One crashes explosively into the Machine.

When you come to a couple of minutes later, it's midnight and you're on the grass at the New Jersey Turnpike next to a Statue of john Malkovich

*Replaces Machine and inserts a picture of Angilina Jolie*

[P'ter]

A rumble from the machine heralds the arrival of a Lego-sized Lara Croft who lies sprawled on the sidewalk. A further rumble leads to her getting buried in thousands of Malteesers.

*Inserts a helping of mint-choc chip ice-cream.*

[Kugai]

Deanna Troi emerges, thanks you for the Ice Cream while returning the Bowl and Spoon then reenters the Machine

*Inserts a Seven of Nine Action Figure*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers 30 punnets of strawberries.

*Inserts an inflatable cushion.*

[Kugai]

Inflates Cushion and uses same as backrest



*Inserts a Coupon for a Shiatzu Massage*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers two animals: a Maine Coon cat massaging a Shih Tzu.

*Inserts a plastic fork.*

[Kugai]

Machine delivers a Railways Pork Pie on a paper Plate with a plastic Knife and Fork

*Inserts a Railways Tea Cup*

[vyon]

It bounces around in the machine with a horrible clatter, is ejected at speed, ricochets off a concrete wall and a passing rubbish truck before landing at your feet - without a scratch or a chip.

Thinks she might have more luck inserting a concrete mixer.

[Dragon Fan]

Out comes a large stack of concrete blocks.

After constructing a BBQ pit, Inserts a perfectly roasted rack of pork ribs, Dripping with a Tangy Sauce.

[P'ter]

The machine belches and delivers a card requesting antacid.

*Inserts an entire bottle of Enos Fruit Salts.*

[Greenrider Tresa]

A hot cup of chamomile tea emerges, followed by a plate of biscuits.

Inserts a bright orange flag.

[P'ter]

The machine emits a loud blast from a referee's whistle; and the entire Dutch football emerges in their orange strip. They disappear down the street chasing a ball.

*Inserts a (sucked) segment of a Navel orange.*

[Dragon Fan]

Machine thanks you for the Organic matter to add to the compost bin!

Inserts a variety of heirloom seeds