A Meeting of Minds - An Anne McCaffrey Discussion Forum  

Go Back   A Meeting of Minds - An Anne McCaffrey Discussion Forum > The Mezzanine > Exhibit Hall
FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Exhibit Hall For the exhibition of artistic creations by our members, from poetry and prose to drawings, photography, and digital art.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old Sep 23 2008, 07:39 PM   #1
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Please post any feedback that you might have for the new version of The Skyboom below. Thank you for reading and reviewing!
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)


Last edited by D. M. Domini; Sep 25 2008 at 02:27 AM.
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Sep 24 2008, 05:13 PM   #2
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis
Gender: F
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

As I was reading, I copied the bits that I wanted to comment on, so I will just go through and quote those one at a time. Some of these are about whether something "belongs" in Pern, some are continuity, some are basic grammar/typos. All of this is meant to be Constructive Criticism - the story itself is great!



Chapter 1

Quote:
If I bring you home this way, your mother will kill me and use my guts for her gitar."

"Actually using guts for strings isn't all that common these days," Robinton said mildly. "We prefer steel."
My first immediate reaction was THIS IS WRONG because in Dragonsinger they use gut, and in Dragonquest Fandarel is talking about how they have *just* figured out how to extrude lengths of fine wire. Now, I realize the main part of the story takes place several decades later - Post-AIVAS, obviously - but would they have made that switch? I don't know how hard it would be to make steel guitar strings, but I use metal strings on my viola and they are a bit more complex than a simple length of wire.

And as I was writing this, I realized - it was ROBINTON who said it! And I really don't think that they would have had steel guitar strings, at least not in his time.

Quote:
"I don't mean to be a bother, but I seem to only have bits and pieces of this puzzle here, and I think I'm blind to boot, and if you've ever tried it, putting a puzzle together by touch alone is difficult to do."
When we use this phrase, we have an immediate reference, the jigsaw puzzle. Would they have anything similar enough for this phrase to make sense?

Quote:
"It's probably too late to prevent the initial brouha, Sebell," Menolly said.
It's your call, as always, but seeing that word kind of jolted me out of the story for a moment; it just didn't feel like Pern.


Chapter 2
Quote:
Menolly blinked at him, and Sebell stopped laughing long enough to make the clichéd drum-and-cymbal bashing sound.
Again, we have an immediate reference - but why would they have a cliche'd drum-and-cymbol noise to indicate a bad joke? I really doubt they have stand-up comics...


Chapter 3
Quote:
"This is a topic that is classified," F'lar said. "Understand that it can not go beyond this room."
Would they still use that word to denote "Top Secret"? That's the second or third definition in the dictionary; the first is "to arrange or organize according to class or category."

Of course, they could easily have picked up that terminology from AIVAS.

Quote:
"Simanith has taken the three of you between in time," she said. "Forward, from your time to ours."

"--how far forward?--" F'lon said.

"--would this affect the duration of between?--" Robinton asked at the same time. They looked at each other, and Robinton made a motion of his hand, as if waving F'lon forward. "Your question is more pertinent."

"Over fifty Turns," Lessa said when they both turned their attention back to her.

F'lon let out a whistle. "Babes in diapers are grown with grandbabes of their own," he said.
I was very surprised that their first questions are about the technicalities of traveling between times, rather than the fact that it was possible at all. I would have more of a "What the..." moment before they start asking for specifics. Something where it has to be explained that yes, dragons can travel between times, although it is usually to the past.

Quote:
…he sobered. "I can't even begin to calculate the ramifications of ending up over fifty Turns in the future. Or...or of the capabilities of dragons traveling between different...different whens."
I would have this type of reaction much sooner.

Quote:
"Harpers are nosy and big-mouthed," Menolly added, shrugging. "Traveling between whens makes for a good ballad. And ballads get sung everywhere."

Robinton looked slightly thoughtful, Lessa noted, but did not elaborate on his line of thought.
Did you mean "this line of thought"?

Quote:
"Manora runs the lower caverns," Lessa said. "We'll reconvene in the morning--does that work for you, Harpers?"
At this point F'lon has not recognized Manora as the young woman from his own time. He has just learned that he is fifty turns in the future. Now he hears the name of the woman that he already took a second look at - and he doesn't react AT ALL???I can't believe he wouldn't do a double take at that name.


Chapter 4

Quote:
"Did we ever go through all of this?" Menolly asked Sebell, as she sat on the floor of one of the archive rooms, in particular the room dedicated to Robinton, scrolls arranged into loose heaps in a way that would make Arnor, the Master Scrivener, cry.
This is an awkward sentence. I would either use "specifically" rather than "in particular", or just make it "the archive room dedicated to Robinton".

Quote:
"Are you imaging his face if he heard us discussing this?"
Did you mean "imagining"? Or "picturing".




Okay, I'm now going to quote a couple of bits I particularly enjoyed!

Quote:
Lessa narrowed her eyes. Why would Robinton and Menolly ever need to have an intensive discussion about between times? Had they been up to something?


Quote:
"I've always believed Thread will return; why else would the Weyrs be here?" F'lon said. "You just don't find the manpower and time and resources to cut not just one, but several, Weyrs out of solid rock unless they are needed for some reason. And history gives us that reason," he explained.

"I think that negates that theory," Sebell said to Menolly.

"Theory?" F'lon said.

"That you were convinced Thread was going to return because you'd already come forward and seen it."

"Thread exists?"

Robinton began to laugh at F'lon, who turned around and shook a finger at him.

"Hey, now, there's no call for that. I never said that I believed Thread would fall soon. I can be surprised that Thread is falling in...in this time. I'm no hypocrite!"
That scene made me LOL
Quote:
“I had a thought, half a thought before that perhaps he was...a son, a son we hadn't known about--"

"--that wouldn't happen," Sebell said confidently.

"I know that, but when you come across a young man who has physical similarities to someone you know very well, what is the usual cause of that? Time-traveler, or the man's offspring?"

Sebell's mouth twitched. "I would vote for time-traveler," he said.

"Ha. Well, you're Masterharper," she said. "From down here in the rank-and-file I would say offspring. I'd be wrong in this case, but how many other cases would I be right on?"
As did that!
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Sep 24 2008, 06:25 PM   #3
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Oh yummy. If I can say that in this context without it sounding weird, lol. Thank you for reading, and in particular, thank you for the comprehensive comments!

Regarding wire:

Quote:
My first immediate reaction was THIS IS WRONG because in Dragonsinger they use gut, and in Dragonquest Fandarel is talking about how they have *just* figured out how to extrude lengths of fine wire. Now, I realize the main part of the story takes place several decades later - Post-AIVAS, obviously - but would they have made that switch? I don't know how hard it would be to make steel guitar strings, but I use metal strings on my viola and they are a bit more complex than a simple length of wire.

And as I was writing this, I realized - it was ROBINTON who said it! And I really don't think that they would have had steel guitar strings, at least not in his time.
Ah, didn't recall that Dragonsinger specifically mentioned gut, so that is a gaffe on my part. However, extruding wire isn't the only way to make wire, at least according to the wikipedia, that states that there were a few scattered wire mills in the medieval ages.

Dragonsinger does mention that they have horns, so the Harpers obviously have some sort of metalcraft. We do know that the different Crafts are notoriously secretive with their knowledge, so I could see it possible that a Harper instrument maker picked up or invented a type of wire for strings, and the technique never made it to the Smiths. I may keep it on this basis, even if it is true that it was originally a gaffe on my part. I'll think about it. Thank you for pointing it out!

Quote:
When we use this phrase, we have an immediate reference, the jigsaw puzzle. Would they have anything similar enough for this phrase to make sense?
I don't see why the Pernese wouldn't have such a simple of a toy as a puzzle. It is during the interval, so I'd presume wood was more in use than it would have been during the Pass...surely some toymaker or instrument maker or someone else who worked with wood could make some simple puzzles for children, or to show off how finely they can cut the pieces. (Could be a good way of showing off their dovetail joints!)

Regarding the word "brouha":

Quote:
It's your call, as always, but seeing that word kind of jolted me out of the story for a moment; it just didn't feel like Pern.
I can see that, but since it's not specifically said anywhere that that type of word isn't in use, and because Pern was founded by multiculteral colonists, it'll probably stay.

Regarding the cymbal crash sound:

Quote:
Again, we have an immediate reference - but why would they have a cliche'd drum-and-cymbol noise to indicate a bad joke? I really doubt they have stand-up comics...
I used it because I would think that, even if the origins of the "musical phrase" were not remembered, the sound itself may have stayed in the culture's "musical vocabulary". Pernese have drums, and they have the metalcraft to do cymbols, and while they might not have stand up comedy, they probably have some form of farce...I mean, if the ancient Greeks could have it, why not Pern? And if you have farce, and people with instruments, it's very easy for all sorts of weird sounds to apply to things, and become sort of auditory tags.

I was never *deeply* into musical culture, but I did play the violin in a school orchestra for about 8 years, and when you become proficient in a musical instrument, it's very easy to pick up "musical phrases" that just sort of come out when a person is currently holding their instrument, in lieu of speaking (or in Sebell's case, he verbalized the sound effect). You could say it's band humor. I remember quite clearly chatting with friends when I held a violin in my hand, and it was very simple to quickly do a slide or a tremelo on my violin in response to whatever was going on in the conversation, if I so felt like it. I would expect that the urges I had would only get stronger as a pro musician in the company of other musicians.

Re: the word choice "classified":

Quote:
Would they still use that word to denote "Top Secret"? That's the second or third definition in the dictionary; the first is "to arrange or organize according to class or category."

Of course, they could easily have picked up that terminology from AIVAS.
You know, that one did hit me as wrong, but I forgot to go back and choose a better word choice...I was just too tired to do the mental gymnastics at the time, I think. I'll probably go back and fix that. Thanks for calling me on it!

Regarding Rob and F'lon's reactions to the possibility of traveling between times:

Quote:
I was very surprised that their first questions are about the technicalities of traveling between times, rather than the fact that it was possible at all. I would have more of a "What the..." moment before they start asking for specifics. Something where it has to be explained that yes, dragons can travel between times, although it is usually to the past.
There's a reason I did it this way...if you go back and read earlier, Robinton noticed that between was too long when they jumped after the lightening hit F'lon. He thought he was just rattled at the time, but it sort of nagged at him. And then, he ended up a Harper Hall he didn't know, and it was really just so bizarre and illogical. By the time he was actually was told what happened, the response made so much sense based on what he had been seeing that it doesn't really shock him...he's almost more relieved that there's a logical explanation, no matter how far out, because otherwise he's just going nuts.

And THEN the actual ramifications begin to sink in...what sorts of things a person with these types of powers could do. So first..."Wow, I'm not insane!" and second, "...holy crap, the dragonriders could kill us all with their uber-leet time-traveling skills!" Of course, worded in less of a net-kid manner, haha.

Robinton's initial question about the length of between being affected by this is because he's a smart guy, and knew there was something funny going on with the length of that jump between. F'lon's question is a better question, though, so he defers to him.

F'lon's chain of thought, although not shown like Robinton's was, was similar. He knew damn well that being hit by lightening and running into a tree right before they went into between was a Bad Thing...he just didn't want to worry Robinton with it, once his wits after being lightening struck came back to him. If it hadn't been going between time, it would have been something else, because the weird things occurred after they went between in unusual circumstances. Logic says that there's something going on with between.

And, lastly...it would have been rather cliched to have them going OMG! IT'S POSSIBLE?! right away, and I figured any readership reading the fic is probably already well-versed in Pern canon, and I didn't want to tire anyone out rehashing the obvious scene...I know I-the-reader would have gotten very impatient with the story if I had taken the obvious route. So I switched it up a bit, and used what could have been a filler sub-scene instead to reinforce that F'lon and Robinton were intelligent men, who had already figured part of it out in the back of their heads.


Quote:
Quote:
"Harpers are nosy and big-mouthed," Menolly added, shrugging. "Traveling between whens makes for a good ballad. And ballads get sung everywhere."

Robinton looked slightly thoughtful, Lessa noted, but did not elaborate on his line of thought.
Did you mean "this line of thought"?
No; the proper word is "his". He's looking thoughtful about the fact that they really don't want him making a scene about anything. His own name is taboo, and now they don't want him anywhere near the Harper Hall...Menolly is just using stereotypes about Harpers to spout a line of BS, and he's getting suspicious.

Quote:
Quote:
"Manora runs the lower caverns," Lessa said. "We'll reconvene in the morning--does that work for you, Harpers?"
At this point F'lon has not recognized Manora as the young woman from his own time. He has just learned that he is fifty turns in the future. Now he hears the name of the woman that he already took a second look at - and he doesn't react AT ALL???I can't believe he wouldn't do a double take at that name.
Good catch; this is a straight-up goof. I was suspicious that re-hashing the rules of between time would cause reader-fatigue since AMC has already covered that ground well, and wanted to end the scene...the humor I tried to inject in dialogue and actions would only carry what I felt to be a boring but necessary scene so long. So I missed inserting reactions about Manora. I'll definitely correct that. (How well does F'lon know Manora at this point? He hasn't even hooked up with F'lar's mother yet...were they just acquaintances at this point, someone he knew lived in the weyr, or more?)

[quote][quote]
"Did we ever go through all of this?" Menolly asked Sebell, as she sat on the floor of one of the archive rooms, in particular the room dedicated to Robinton, scrolls arranged into loose heaps in a way that would make Arnor, the Master Scrivener, cry.
Quote:

This is an awkward sentence. I would either use "specifically" rather than "in particular", or just make it "the archive room dedicated to Robinton".
...yes, it's a case of my mind thinking one thing, and my fingers typing another. They were searching all of the archives, but particularly the ones with files on Robinton...but it looks like I ended up having them actually hanging out physically in a specific place. Kind of hard to be in a place "particularly" unless you've clones or something. I'll get that fixed. Thanks for the catch!

* * * *

Onto the compliments!

I'm glad you caught Lessa's reaction there! Menolly slipped up! And tried to cover the slip up by mentioning the time when all the firelizards were giving weird visions to people. Lessa's not so easily fooled, however. The Harpers are certainly allies...but they also have their own agenda.

(Somewhat OT...although I would have loved to see a Masterharper Menolly, rather than Sebell...these days I figure that Menolly is much more dedicated to music than Sebell is. I see Sebell as having perhaps less raw music talent, frex I don't see him as having any skill at composing music at all, but he has more talent in politics and diplomacy than Menolly does.)

As for the second one...I like making F'lon a little silly and impulsive. Poor guy. He's been the bastion of Knowing Thread Will Come...and when it's actually confirmed as being real, he's like...whut? He didn't actually mean to come off as a hypocrite, poor guy was just caught flat footed!

And as for the Sebell and Menolly one...yes, I think it's highly telling that Sebell has been conditioned to suspect time traveling as a reason for something happening, over the more mundane possibility that Menolly suggested. Ironically, Sebell hasn't actually done any time traveling that we know of...Menolly's the one with the hands-on experience, so to speak.
D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Sep 30 2008, 09:17 AM   #4
Topaz the Golden
Inactive
 
Topaz the Golden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new windsor, ny (between whats real and fanstasy
Gender: F
Fan of: all of them
Now Reading: anything I can get my hands on
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

it's needs to be finished I like it even with the mistakes.
Topaz the Golden is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Oct 31 2008, 02:08 AM   #5
Ryuu
Evil Gold Fiend Dragon
 
Ryuu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Back in the USSA
Gender: M
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Other than what's been mentioned so far, I can only add that I don't think Robinton would've been using "seconds" to count the length of time between. They didn't have a history of using that particular unit of time until after they had dug up Aivas. He would've been mentally "coughing" to mark the time.

For the carrot half of my critique: I think you've picked a fantastic concept (of course, I tend to be a little biased for the twisted--hmmm. should i have ryuu&co. introduce the 'twilight zone' whistle to pern so you can use it? ). I can't wait to see where you're going with this
Ryuu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Nov 26 2008, 09:15 AM   #6
Emeraldrose
Holder
Drudge
 
Emeraldrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Tennessee
Gender: F
Fan of: Dragonriders Series
Now Reading: The Great Hunt Robert Jordan
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

I was very happy to see an update to Skyboom v2....Chapter 9 was great and brings us back to F'lon and Robinton as characters in both senses of the word...Love the cliff hanger as well...We will miss these guys when all is said and done...
Emeraldrose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Nov 28 2008, 03:25 PM   #7
Anareth
Journeywoman Healer
 
Anareth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Here and There
Gender: F
Fan of: Pern, Ship Series
Now Reading: Girl Genius (read it!)
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Dammit, I want easy-to-read, longish fic, and it's not done yet!

Hurry up with Chapter 10 already....

(This is good, if you can't tell. I normally only bother reviewing that which is bad but not unredeemable. Here I just want to know what happens next and that's the highest compliment I can give.)
Anareth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Nov 28 2008, 09:57 PM   #8
kevia
Ballybran Resident

Tuner
 
kevia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Somewhere in the USA
Gender: F
Fan of: Nimisha's Ship
Now Reading: Crystal Line
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Chapter 10, please?
__________________
Kevia
kevia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 1 2008, 04:34 AM   #9
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Anareth - This is what I was *hoping* was happening. I admittedly compare my stats to those of other Pern-fic writers, to try to see where I'm at (I want to progress as a writer), and it was a bit baffling to see a whole host of people reviewing other fics who haven't made a peep for my fics. The reader crossover between different Pern fics and mine seems oddly small. Wasn't sure why; did they just not like canon-fics? (Most Pern fic is original character-based, due to the history of the former rules against using canon characters.) Am I being boring? Is there something wrong that they can't finger well enough to point out? Or is it the simple custom of folks to yell loudly when something is wrong, but stay silent when things are going right?

So yeah. Reviews are much, much appreciated. Thank you Emeraldrose, Anareth, and kevia for the reviews and compliments!
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 26 2008, 08:41 PM   #10
Shalyn
Inactive
 
Shalyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Loo-a-vull / Luhvuhl / Loo-ih-ville / Loo-a-ville / Looeyville / Lewisville Oh, Heck. Kentuckiana.
Gender: F
Fan of: Dragonflight
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

D.M.

As I said in my review at FF.Net, don't worry about other reviews. I have read quite a few of those fics based on the number of reviews, only to realize that the story is utter crap, yet the fanbrats are squeeing up a storm. Little squee-kers.

Also, your story has a lot of thought and intellect in it. It is not your normal "holder girl gets Searched...SURPRISE!!!!...and GETS THE QUEEN." Those have been done to death, and yet seem to also get the most reviews. Oh, many of them are very well written, but how many queens are there out there to Impress, anyway?

I hope you're close to being done with Chapter 10. And 11. And 12. And....

Oh, and the only thing that keeps pulling me out of the story is the mis(?)-spelling of "lightning".

From the review (and the only reason I put it here is because I want to see what others say to this - and if I'm wrong, then please serve my crow in a delicate garlic sauce over rice.)

Quote:
According to : Dictionary.com

light⋅en⋅ing
   /ˈlaɪtnɪŋ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [lahyt-n-ing] Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun Medicine/Medical.
the descent of the uterus into the pelvic cavity, occurring toward the end of pregnancy, changing the contour of the abdomen and facilitating breathing by lessening pressure under the diaphragm.

lightening light·en·ing (līt'n-ĭng)
n.
The sensation of decreased abdominal distention during the latter weeks of pregnancy following the descent of the fetal head into the pelvic inlet.

I think you are looking for:

"lightning"

light⋅ning
   /ˈlaɪtnɪŋ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [lahyt-ning] Show IPA Pronunciation
noun, verb, -ninged, -ning, adjective
–noun
1. a brilliant electric spark discharge in the atmosphere, occurring within a thundercloud, between clouds, or between a cloud and the ground.
–verb (used without object)
2. to emit a flash or flashes of lightning (often used impersonally with it as subject): If it starts to lightning, we'd better go inside.
–adjective
3. of, pertaining to, or resembling lightning, esp. in regard to speed of movement: lightning flashes; lightning speed.

Though this:

Origin:
1350–1400; ME, var. of lightening. See lighten 1 , -ing 1

seems to deny that.

Anyway - I believe the American English version of "Lightning" does not have the "e" in it. Not sure about the British English spelling, though.
Shalyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 27 2008, 06:36 AM   #11
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Hey Shalyn! Thanks for the reviews...you got me off my butt to complete chapter 10. Hee hee!

I mentioned it on the ff.net notes, but basically you're correct about lightning. I have it wrong. I speed-read by recognizing the shapes of words rather than the exact sequence of letters, and due to that I find myself more often than not condensing words and/or giving them pretty wild spellings (I'm horrible at spelling). I was eyeing the word "lightning" and to me it looked like I was doing something like "light'ning"--ie, taking out a letter that should be in there. And since my spellcheck said that "lightening" was legit, I thought, "Well, that must be the right spelling, because 'light'ning' certainly isn't," and chose that spelling and went on my merry way.

So. I caught it and corrected it in chapter 10. Once I finish the fic, I will incorporate that edit into the first 1-9 chapters, along with the other edits suggested in this thread (such as the Manora goof, and some other stuff my editor's eye is yelling at me for, such as clunky sentence structure here and there. This is essentially one big first draft. Or perhaps a 1.5 draft considering there used to be a prior version).

In regards to static...wool generates static like synthetic fibers do, if I recall right. Although considering that they were grabbing patterns for clothes from the Landing databases, it's conceivable that synthetics are starting to be used too, but probably not for a lowly Journeyman like Robinton. So he's probably in wool. I admit I didn't specifically think about the exact material his pants are made out of, haha. Just that the pockets on the rump might look a little more scandalous to him than useful.
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 27 2008, 11:39 AM   #12
Shalyn
Inactive
 
Shalyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Loo-a-vull / Luhvuhl / Loo-ih-ville / Loo-a-ville / Looeyville / Lewisville Oh, Heck. Kentuckiana.
Gender: F
Fan of: Dragonflight
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Well - wool very well could generate static. I don't know - can't wear it. I am allergic to it.

I also have very delicate skin, and if the material I am wearing is the least bit scratchy, nope. Can't wear it. (And who would have thunk it - I'm thin-skinned. Gee, what a surprise. NOT.)

But I just loved that static, and I know exactly how he feels. I've never been struck unconscious by static, but I have 1. blown up a laptop, and 2. caused my arm to not work for several minutes.

Can't tell you what I was wearing, though.
Shalyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 27 2008, 08:28 PM   #13
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Yeah, I have bad problems with car doors in winter giving me bad static shocks. I don't know why, but it usually travels up my middle finger to my elbow and gives me quite a painful jolt.

...never managed to blow up a computer with it, though, or knock my arm senseless from it.

I don't actually know much about how lightning works, but I have vague recollections that it strikes ground when the ground has a particular type of charge. I figured Rob could wave his metal pole around all he wanted without getting struck if he wasn't charged in such a way that made him "attractive" to the lightning. So I figured landing and sliding down a dragon...and setting his foot on the ground...might do it.

I should do a viginette or something from someone else's POV for that scene, just for kicks. Rob gets knocked unconscious and since he's my main POV character I sort of had to cut cut the scene there, but I'm cruel enough to think it would be very funny to see everyone running around, panicking, because they're blind and deaf and OMG Robinton's on fire!

Oh man. :: laughs ::
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 28 2008, 02:30 PM   #14
Shalyn
Inactive
 
Shalyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Loo-a-vull / Luhvuhl / Loo-ih-ville / Loo-a-ville / Looeyville / Lewisville Oh, Heck. Kentuckiana.
Gender: F
Fan of: Dragonflight
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Well, you have several scenes from Menolly's (or Sebell's -can't remember which) so you could break and start a new section of the chapter in their POV.
Shalyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 28 2008, 06:34 PM   #15
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Eh, I've already moved forward. If I had thought the scene necessary I would have written it. As it is, we get a re-cap from F'lon on what happened. And he's being pretty amusing with it (to me, at least).

It's just that the plot bunnies like to nibble on me, even after I've fed a whole bunch of them. They're voracious, and breed like...well...bunnies.
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 30 2008, 12:47 AM   #16
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis
Gender: F
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Hey! I finally had a chance to read the newest chapters (the end of the semester caught me with a sneak attack...)

Same kind of thing as before, I'm going to quote whatever I noticed - although this time there are too many funny lines to have picked any in particular!

Chapter 5
Quote:
"I saw," Teslay said, sugaring his klah liberally. "Did you see who they had with them?"

...Swishing a spoon in his mug to dissolve the sugar, Teslay nodded to the other Harper, bid him goodnight, and returned to his quarters.
They call it sweetener, or sweetening - unless they picked up the term "sugar" from AIVAS, which I find unlikely.

Quote:
But I bloody well better be designing frou frou for some girl-Harper before this Turn is out.
Frou frou? Really? This doesn't seem to fit... I would use something else, like just "I better be designing frills for some girl..."


Ch. 8

Quote:
F'lon laughed. "That reminds me. Did you ever hear the story about the Journeyman Smith who specialized in chemistry who changed Crafts and became a Chef?"
1. How would a Smith specialize in chemistry? What would that involve? I wouldn't think it would be common enough to be part of a joke.

2. I don't think F'lon would know the word "Chef" - I think they would just say "cook". I'm pretty sure in DF it was "cook"...


Quote:
He groped at the buttoned pocket, glad F'lon wasn't awake to make fun of him, and a moment later withdrew a small folded letter on paper of all things...
How does young-Robinton know what paper IS? It was only rediscovered seven Turns into the Pass.

Quote:
If the handwriting hadn't been all wrong for Tuck, he would have suspected one of those Harpers trying to contact him, but he didn't recognize this particular hand.
This has me trying to remember when he first became acquainted with Tuck... Do you by any chance have a quote for that?

Quote:
It kicked up rice and diced vegetables, and sent tiny savory particles swirling in the amber liquid.
It wouldn't be called rice - in DQ and DSo it is "river grains".

Quote:
"If F'lar and F'lon really are your sons...they seem like good men."
Typo - I think you meant F'lar and F'nor!!!




Still really enjoying the story!
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 30 2008, 02:14 AM   #17
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Ha. You did find a lot of word-choice issues here. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brenda View Post

Chapter 5
They call it sweetener, or sweetening - unless they picked up the term "sugar" from AIVAS, which I find unlikely.
Yeah, my bad here. This goes on my list for when I do my big edit.

Quote:
Frou frou? Really? This doesn't seem to fit... I would use something else, like just "I better be designing frills for some girl..."
I think frou frou is fine. In the same category as "frills" and "baubles" in my mind. m-w.com tells me it was made up in 1870 so it's not like it's hyper-modern. The "modern word loss" the 9th Pass exhibits is pretty darn random. Robinton used "bauble" in canon somewhere, I recall, and probably as a way for AMC to characterize him, since "bauble" is a word that's not often used in modern English so he sounds like he has a bigger vocabulary. (I'm tempted to say "fruiter vocabulary" but I like Robinton and don't actually think he's fruity, lol) My use of "frou frou" is pretty much the same; to characterize Camolien.

I don't know if you trailed off where you did because you were done, or because you wouldn't use the full phrase "girl-Harper". I use "girl-Harper" on purpose; just because Menolly's friends have become enlightened doesn't mean that some people don't hold onto their thought and speech patterns well into the 9th Pass. (In this fic, Robinton himself is showing a bit of chauvinism in the way he thinks of Menolly, for all that he's pretty cool with the discovery that she's a true-blue Harper.)

Quote:
1. How would a Smith specialize in chemistry? What would that involve? I wouldn't think it would be common enough to be part of a joke.
The Smiths have to have some sort of basic chemistry. Even if it's rudimentary in Robinton's youth and more akin to "alchemy" than what we think of as modern chemistry. Surely when they re-create flamethrowers the Smiths weren't discovering/re-learning the whole field of chemistry from the ground up. They have to know all sorts of things about processing and refining ores for alloys and the like to smelt them into metal things, which is chemistry as well. I know Fanderal (sp?) having re-discovered the telegraph all on his own pre-Landing is something of a genius, but still. Smithing is almost certainly going to have some specialists that deal in Chemistry, even if it's a bastardized, primitive form of it. Given that the Smithcraft gave rise to both Fanderal and Wansor (sp?), and with a lack of other evidence as we never get a POV character that is a Smith, I'd argue that the state of the Smithcraft in Robinton's time was probably entering a Renaissance, which produced those two Craftmasters. In addition, for Smithing to cope as well as it did with the re-discoveries at Landing, they probably were already sitting on some basic knowledge. I would guess that the heavily conservative culture of the Holds and the pressure of Threadfall would be a factor in preventing discoveries from being put into widespread use. Fax running about rampant wouldn't help things either.

Chemistry would be also be used in making explosives for miners, dyes for weavers and leather-workers. Healers would know something of it too. I could see a few different Crafts having specialists in chemistry, although I see only the Smithcraft as having retained the word for it (and *maybe* the Healers). The other Crafts would know it more as "recipes passed down" without any real understanding of why they work.

Quote:
2. I don't think F'lon would know the word "Chef" - I think they would just say "cook". I'm pretty sure in DF it was "cook"...
I've heard "Chef" somewhere in the books, I am certain. Of course, I don't remember exactly where...I suppose it could be from DDawn, or ATWoP, either of which would be pre/post young!Robinton.

Quote:
How does young-Robinton know what paper IS? It was only rediscovered seven Turns into the Pass.
You know, I'd forgotten about that. I'd been thinking more along the lines that it was rare before then, due to the expense of wood, not entirely unavailable. But yeah. That was an out-right discovery, wasn't it?

Quote:
This has me trying to remember when he first became acquainted with Tuck... Do you by any chance have a quote for that?
...do I ever have quotes? I'm always running on pure memory, all the time! It's probably amazing I don't screw up more often than I do.

Tuck, as I recall, was Nip's apprentice. But if the question you're asking is, "Did Robinton meet Tuck before or after he became Masterharper"...well, I don't recall. It's entirely possible this is a mistake too and Tuck didn't show up until after Robinton was Masterharper. But I sort of thought that Tuck and Robinton were...contemporaries, almost.

Quote:
It wouldn't be called rice - in DQ and DSo it is "river grains".
Awright. Will fix when I do the Great Edit.

Quote:
Typo - I think you meant F'lar and F'nor!!!
I didn't fix that? I could have sworn that was already fixed. Maybe I only fixed it on ff.net and not here.
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Dec 31 2008, 07:08 PM   #18
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis
Gender: F
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

It's your story, so it's your call - but the reason I mentioned these things is because they really jumped out strongly as being "wrong" or "not belonging on Pern." If it takes away from the story for me, it might for other readers as well, which is something you may want to take into account.
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Jan 1 2009, 08:40 AM   #19
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Oh certainly, and thank you. You've caught many things that nobody else has mentioned. I hope I didn't sound grumpy or anything; I'm just prone to discussing things to death.
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 19 2009, 08:11 PM   #20
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

*bumpity bump*
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 20 2009, 12:47 AM   #21
kevia
Ballybran Resident

Tuner
 
kevia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Somewhere in the USA
Gender: F
Fan of: Nimisha's Ship
Now Reading: Crystal Line
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Very good. But if you are trying to keep it according to canon, you do have one problem. Menolly and Sebell already had at least 3 children before the attack on Robinton at the gather at Ruatha in All the Weyrs of Pern. Before Sebell went to Telgar where Larad and Asgenar told him of the threat to Robinton, he looked in on his daughter and went to tell his sons a story. So in chapter 11 where Manora comments "Oh you'll figure that out once you have children," to Menolly, she already has at least 3.

Other than that, I can't wait to read the rest of the story!! (Does it really have to take so long??? )
__________________
Kevia
kevia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 20 2009, 11:08 AM   #22
D. M. Domini
Talent
Finder
 
D. M. Domini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chicagoland
Gender: F
Fan of: Afra Lyon, and Robinton!
Now Reading: Sabriel by Garth Nix
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

I knew I was missing an author's note...Menolly and Sebell's kids don't exist in this AU.

Thanks for reviewing!

My real life and my original fic intrude a lot, so yeah, sorry about the lag between updates. You pretty much have everything that's written, so I'm not holding anything back...if it's not up, it likely doesn't exist yet!
__________________
Read my Pern and Talent fanfic on Archive of our Own.

Fanfic WIPs: The Day Benden Went to War (Pern/Talent); Slosh (Pern); Weyrbred Lads (Pern); When You Fall Asleep /Between/... (Pern)

Completed Fics: Flight (Pern), Flight v2 (Pern), Golden Glow (Pern)

D. M. Domini is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 20 2009, 09:33 PM   #23
Brenda
Senior Member
 
Brenda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: St. Louis
Gender: F
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

I enjoyed the read! I had to go back a couple of chapters to remember why Robinton was injured.

Just a couple of things that grabbed my attention as WRONG:


Menolly's tenth fire lizard is named Poll, not Pol.

Menolly was fifteen in Dragonsong, not fourteen.

I was a little put off by the modern crutches, but then pictured Fandarel's reaction to such an efficient design and got over it

---

This sentence is awkward:

"F'lon sighed. "It wasn't it wasn't...warranted, I suppose."

I would put, "It wasn't that it wasn't... warranted, I suppose." (Also, you need a space after an ellipsis.)



*edit*

Just read the above comments.

Wait, what? I keep forgetting that aside from the cray time-switcheroo, you also changed things in the timeline we thought we knew.
Brenda is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21 2009, 01:40 PM   #24
Emeraldrose
Holder
Drudge
 
Emeraldrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Tennessee
Gender: F
Fan of: Dragonriders Series
Now Reading: The Great Hunt Robert Jordan
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Am very happy to see an update to this story....excited about the meeting with jaxom and ruth coming up as well....although sad to hear kids don't exist yet. jaxom married to shara and has kids though right?
Emeraldrose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21 2009, 08:00 PM   #25
Anareth
Journeywoman Healer
 
Anareth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Here and There
Gender: F
Fan of: Pern, Ship Series
Now Reading: Girl Genius (read it!)
Default Re: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) feedback

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emeraldrose View Post
Am very happy to see an update to this story....excited about the meeting with jaxom and ruth coming up as well....although sad to hear kids don't exist yet. jaxom married to shara and has kids though right?
I suspect there's a plot reason Menolly is child-free at the moment.....
Anareth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
fanfic, feedback

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Fanfic: The Skyboom (v2 - rewrite) D. M. Domini Exhibit Hall 13 Sep 19 2009 10:29 PM
Suggestion: Is it time for a Feedback secton GinnyStar The Information Desk and Suggestion Box 9 Oct 12 2008 05:10 AM
Feedback: Skyboom feedback Brenda Exhibit Hall 12 Jul 10 2008 01:49 AM
Change in eBay feedback system Hans Book Collector's Meeting Room 42 Jun 1 2008 10:12 AM
To inspire & Feedback sjslack Exhibit Hall 1 Feb 13 2008 01:41 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:42 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

A Meeting of Minds forum owned by Cheryl B. Miller.
All references to worlds and characters based on Anne McCaffrey’s fiction are copyright © Anne McCaffrey 1967-2008, all rights reserved, and used by permission of the author.