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Old Sep 4 2017, 07:59 PM   #681
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Jimi Hendrix tunes flood the air, stress levels drop!

"Inserts a Peace sign on a necklace of braided leather"
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Old Sep 4 2017, 08:26 PM   #682
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out pops a garden Gnome wearing said necklace.

*Inserts an autographed photo of Sir Elton John*
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Old Sep 5 2017, 06:19 PM   #683
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine transmogrifies into a gigantic bank of speakers simultaneously playing at full volume every track Elton's ever recorded. Following the melt down of the speakers, the machine needs replacing yet again.

*Inserts a bit-coin.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Sep 5 2017, 07:56 PM   #684
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Elon Musk steps out and gives you an Autograph on a paper Napkin

*Inserts a ticket to Mars*
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Old Sep 5 2017, 08:51 PM   #685
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes a collection of Reunion albums by 80s bands.
*inserts 100 Thai Bhats*

(Got bhats on the mind after being stumped by a crossword)
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Old Sep 6 2017, 07:06 AM   #686
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

They come out again as real bats.

While they are flying around your head you accidentally insert an old woolly hat, your left shoe and a flyswat.
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Old Sep 7 2017, 05:27 AM   #687
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers Compo who, hopping mad, claims the hat as his, and attacks you with the fly-swat. Luckily for your skin, with only one shoe he's literally hopping and, thus, can not catch you.

*Inserts a summons for an Uber taxi.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 7 2017, 04:52 PM   #688
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out pops an old yellow school bus trilling "Where shall we go today, hmmmm?" more than slightly off key.

*inserts a harmonica"
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Old Sep 7 2017, 07:49 PM   #689
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes Charles Bronson looking for Henry Fonda

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdK0jaLuJL8


*Inserts a chiming Watch*
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Old Sep 8 2017, 07:24 AM   #690
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

End end of a broom handle appears. After a few seconds the rest of the broom emerges flown by a charming witch (in the sense that she's uttering charms, not that's she's good-looking).

*Inserts a king-sized duvet cover.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 8 2017, 01:25 PM   #691
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes that fort you built in the living room when you were five.

*inserts bamboo stuffed pillow*
__________________
Thinking, understanding, reasoning, willing, call not these
Soul! They are its actions, but they are not its essence.

Akhenaton? (c. B.C. 1375)
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Old Sep 8 2017, 07:12 PM   #692
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes a Samurai who bows and pays for the Pillow then reenters the machine

*Inserts a picture or Kurosawa*
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Old Sep 9 2017, 08:17 AM   #693
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers seven horses ridden by the magnificent (!) seven who, after a noisy discussion about renewing and upgrading their skill set, move off to lay siege to a bank (and relieve it of some assets).

*Inserts a large barrow load of horse manure left by the seven horses.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 9 2017, 07:41 PM   #694
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a loud crash and you hear the loud voice of ;Mad Dog' Buford scraming 'Manure!!! I hates manure!!"


*Inserts a gallon of gasoline*
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Old Sep 9 2017, 07:45 PM   #695
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine coughs and sputters and brightly colored lights start flashing!

*Inserts a new Yellowpages and runs*
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Old Sep 9 2017, 09:56 PM   #696
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine begins to Vibrate, all phones in a square mile start to ring, When answered a Computer generated voice repeats over and over, "It's Sandi's Fault, It's Sandi's Fault "

"Inserts a pair of sound reducing headphones "
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Old Sep 10 2017, 04:22 PM   #697
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The plenitude of phones continue to ring. When answered the recipient hears a computer generated voice saying "Pardon? Pardon? I can't hear you. It's all Dragon Fan's fault."

*Inserts a sachet of instant Minestrone soup.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 10 2017, 10:48 PM   #698
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine gives a mechanical / Digital chuckle, disgorges a note reading" Thanks I needed that"

" Inserts a Pecan Pie"
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Old Sep 11 2017, 08:30 PM   #699
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine burps and returns the empty pie tray with a thank you note


*Inserts a Carafe of Coffee*
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Old Sep 12 2017, 06:05 PM   #700
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine, being English, returns the carafe and politely requests a cup of tea.

*Inserts a yam.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 12 2017, 09:01 PM   #701
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

It comes flying out again chased by two Siamese Kittens.


*Inserts a cardboard box*
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Old Sep 12 2017, 10:28 PM   #702
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The box pops back out neatly tied with twine. Inside is a hot container of mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top.

*Inserts a frozen turkey*
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Old Sep 13 2017, 04:54 AM   #703
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

A hose extrudes from the machine, aims at you and covers you in chestnut stuffing.

*Inserts a Costa Rican Colon.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 13 2017, 06:48 PM   #704
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

You receive 1/17 of a cup of coffee.

" Inserts a Jack O' Lantern "
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Old Sep 13 2017, 08:21 PM   #705
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out pops a strangely familiar alien pointing a shining finger and mumbling something about a phone.

*Inserts a used pair of eclipse viewing lenses.*
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Old Sep 14 2017, 03:56 AM   #706
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine sprouts a pair of arms and dons a gigantic pair of eclipse viewing lenses, looks up at the overcast sky and throws them on the ground in disgust. Sprouting a pair of legs also, it clanks off down the road. You chase after it and . . .

*insert a card saying "sorry."*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 14 2017, 03:37 PM   #707
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine spits out a card that curtly says 'Accepted


*Inserts a ticket to ride*
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Old Sep 14 2017, 05:26 PM   #708
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Exiting from the machine come a crowd of beetles, loaded with miniature cases, heading for the Isle of White.

*Inserts a linear accelerator.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 15 2017, 08:02 PM   #709
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes the Pan Am Spaceship from 2001 heading for space


*Inserts a pair of Velcro soled shoes*
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Old Sep 15 2017, 09:23 PM   #710
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The Velcro shoes won't let you move so you keep throwing handfuls of grass an pebbles at the machine. After several hours

a small round piece of quartz is inserted
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Old Sep 16 2017, 08:43 AM   #711
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Killashandra appears and informs you that you've just saved her from a trip into the Milleki Ranges.

*Inserts a Tongan paʻanga.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 16 2017, 05:08 PM   #712
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine exchanges it for two strips of Gold Pressed Latinum.

*Inserts a deck of Tongo Cards*
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Old Sep 16 2017, 09:13 PM   #713
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine ejects said cards and requests a nice game of Chess !

" Inserts a Wonder Woman action figurine "
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Old Sep 17 2017, 02:54 PM   #714
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers an oval ball closely chased by 22 figures in pads and helmets: the 2017 All American Heroes vs Universal Villains cup final in underway.

*Inserts a large glass prism.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 18 2017, 11:46 PM   #715
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out coes the CBS Peacock who spreads his tail in celebration


*Inserts the Paramount Lawyers*
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Old Sep 19 2017, 07:39 AM   #716
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers several members of the aforesaid legal practice and their opponents from Henshaws Late Night Lawyers, plus His Honour Judge Hot Frog, to thrash out a party action by members of the Nganyayawana tribe who are claiming patent rights over the didgeridoo.

*Inserts a simply worded recipe for ice cubes.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 19 2017, 09:05 PM   #717
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Follows instructions but due to my slightly dopey state, mucks it up


*Inserts a bucket of Ice Balls*
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Old Sep 19 2017, 10:35 PM   #718
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Melts the ice balls and brews a good pot of coffee

" Inserts a steaming cup of said Coffee "
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Old Sep 20 2017, 10:37 AM   #719
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Unfortunately the machine is hyper-allergic to caffeine and it bounces around ejecting various bits and contents. A large dark van drives up and the crew disembark, seize the machine and load it on board giving you looks as dark as black coffee. After a lengthy consultation they hesitantly unload a replacement.

*Inserts a cheery grin.*
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Sep 20 2017, 09:57 PM   #720
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine, still calibrating itself, misreads that a bit and disgorges a block of Cheese


*Inserts a voucher for Crackers and Butter*
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