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Old Jul 1 2017, 05:26 PM   #561
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine rejects the auctioneer who promptly starts auctioning off the machine. Unfortunately it is a Dutch Auction and, as nobody bids (in fact there's nobody there TO bid), the machine reverts to its universal vending.

*Inserts a Trojan Horse*
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"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

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Old Jul 1 2017, 06:04 PM   #562
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

King Priam wanders past, says "I'm not falling for that again." and sets it on fire.



*Inserts a Fire Alarm*
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Old Jul 2 2017, 02:23 PM   #563
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The alarm immediately starts sounding off causing the mane and tail to vibrate in harmonic sympathy. A hatch opens in the side of the machine and a number of Greek hoplites leap to safety.

*Inserts the business end of a fire hose.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 2 2017, 08:39 PM   #564
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

You hit the Greeks with a deluge of high pressure water and wash them away while shouting very loudly in a Scottish accent "THIS IS WATA!!!!"


*Inserts a Spartan Spear*
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Old Jul 2 2017, 09:58 PM   #565
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Mistaken for a giant kabob, many of the of the Drowned Greeks become Cyclops Fodder.

" Inserts a 100 lepta coin "
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Old Jul 3 2017, 05:42 PM   #566
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine converts this to 600 oboloi which it delivers at high speed in a variety of trajectories. As a result the area is soon littered with dead and dying birds of all the varieties from Aristophones' "The Birds", except the owl which, being nocturnal and safely ensconced in a tree, escapes the wholesale massacre.

*Inserts an original 1930 Motorola car phone.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 3 2017, 05:59 PM   #567
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

It rings and I find Elliott Ness on the other end wondering where alll the booze it.


*Inserts a truckload of Bathtub Gin*
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Old Jul 4 2017, 01:56 PM   #568
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

With loud hiccups, the machine returns the empty bathtub.

*Inserts a hogshead of Ale.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
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"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 4 2017, 09:16 PM   #569
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a lot of squeeing and grunting, then a Gammorian Guard sticks his head out and asks for more


*Inserts an Action Figure of The Rancor*.
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Old Jul 5 2017, 02:52 PM   #570
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a collector's treasure - a vintage set of Mr. Potatohead.

*Inserts a computer power lead with a molten co-ax plug.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 5 2017, 10:31 PM   #571
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

And you suddenly find yourself connected to the Borg Collective who come looking for you to add your distinctiveness to their own.


*Inserts a Transwarp Drive*
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Old Jul 6 2017, 08:09 AM   #572
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Big mistake! The machine suddenly transwarps to an unknown destination.
You get saddled with the cost of its replacement.

Inserts four teddybears into the new machine.
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Old Jul 6 2017, 04:57 PM   #573
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers 16 teddybears. You feel very pleased with the increase: . . . until you realise you have 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer & 4 poorer.

*Inserts the remains of a weddingcake.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 7 2017, 08:47 PM   #574
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The Machine plays the Wedding March like a funeral dirge and turns black

*Inserts a Rolling Stone Album*
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Old Jul 8 2017, 01:06 AM   #575
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine extrudes a large red tounge and plays 'House of the Rising Sun' backwards with wow & flutter (it sounds better that way )

*Inserts a Winchester data storage multi-disc.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 8 2017, 04:42 PM   #576
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

(House Of The Rising Sun was a hit by The Animals)


David Ogden-Steirs emerges looking for the 4977th's Operating Theatre



*Inserts a dress from The Klinger Collection*
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Old Jul 9 2017, 03:23 AM   #577
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine ejects all three wearers of Klinger's wedding gown: naked and clutching various vital privates.

*Inserts a Bell Huey UH1.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 9 2017, 07:57 PM   #578
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The Ride of The Valkyries stars playing and out steps Major Kilgoure looking for good surfin' waves.



*Inserts a Surfboard*
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Old Jul 9 2017, 10:29 PM   #579
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out slides a pile of Sand.

" Heats the sand into a glass ball and inserts it into the machine "
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Old Jul 10 2017, 06:16 PM   #580
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

It returns it as a Snowglobe complete with winter scene - of Bastogne in 1944



*Inserts an Entrenching Tool*
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Old Jul 11 2017, 05:55 AM   #581
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

With a trenchant expression on its nonexistent face; the machine extrudes a number of arms and digs a large hole into which it eventually topples.

Unfortunately, the machine is face down. At great risk to your knees, hips and spine you manage to roll it over, in situ, and insert a balloon and cylinder of helium.
__________________
"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 11 2017, 09:18 PM   #582
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine floats off into the distance - The balloon was over inflated


New machine appears and *Inserts a Coffee Grinder*
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Old Jul 12 2017, 04:14 PM   #583
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

With much dificulty the machine delivers the KDM spaceship manned by the Botany Boys who set off in search of yet more beans.

*Inserts a map of Bifrost.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 13 2017, 09:15 PM   #584
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is a loud knocking. The machine opens and a large man brandishing a very large Hammer emerges and stomps off muttering something about ripping someone named Loki's horns off.


*Inserts a Vibranium Shield*
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Old Jul 14 2017, 05:17 PM   #585
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine disgorges both Captain America and Donald Trump (senior) quarreling over who needs the shield most.

*Inserts an empty money-box.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 14 2017, 06:42 PM   #586
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is the sound of muttering in a Scottish accent, then the machine ejects the money box filled with strange gold coins stamped 'Bank of Duckburg' pn them.


*Inserts a Top Hat and a pair of Spats*
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Old Jul 15 2017, 03:59 PM   #587
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a pair of Ginger Roger's dancing shoes.

*Inserts Bertie Wooster's eye-glass.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 15 2017, 07:36 PM   #588
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Jeeves emerges,thanks you graciously and hands you a five pound note then reenters the machine


*Inserts a picture of General Melchep*
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Old Jul 16 2017, 03:55 PM   #589
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There's a loud, prolonged hiss and the ,machine releases a large black snake.

*Inserts a large tub of chocopolitan icecream.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 16 2017, 07:43 PM   #590
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine disgorges a note. It reads 'Thank you. Being married to Riker is hard work.Deanna Troi-Riker'


*Inserts a Beverly Crusher Action Figure*
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Old Jul 17 2017, 05:06 PM   #591
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The machine delivers a different picture -- of Dr. Spock!

*Inserts a perpetual calendar.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 17 2017, 08:20 PM   #592
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

There is an odd wheezing, groaning noise, the Machine opens and Dr. Who steps out to recover her Calendar before reentering the machine which closes up and you hear the same sound again.

*Inserts a Sink Plunger*
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Old Jul 18 2017, 04:31 PM   #593
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The machine delivers a Dalek complete with plunger/death-ray.

*Inserts a video of Galaxy Quest.*
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"Truth is stranger than fiction: fiction has to make sense." Leo Rosten.

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."
C. S. Lewis

"I find television very educational. Whenever somebody switches it on I go in the other room and read a book." (attributed to Groucho Marx)

The Pedants are revolting! (against bad grammar)
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Old Jul 19 2017, 09:02 PM   #594
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

The Protector flies out and blows up the Dalek, then flies back into the machine


*Inserts a picture of Alan Rickman*
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Old Jul 23 2017, 12:58 AM   #595
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::out flies an owl screehing a warning -in a British accent::

*inserts a bar of gold-pressed latinum::
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Old Jul 23 2017, 08:13 PM   #596
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes Quark obsiquitously offering you a free drink and access to the Holosuites.


*Inserts an RAF Flying Helmet*
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Old Jul 26 2017, 08:19 PM   #597
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out flies a scale model Spitfire which flies off into the sunset !

" Inserts a set of pilots wings "
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Old Jul 26 2017, 09:03 PM   #598
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes Sir Douglas Bader who thanks you for finding his missing wings


*Inserts a Guilder*
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Old Jul 28 2017, 09:06 PM   #599
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Machine starts yelling, ERROR, ERROR, Unacceptable monetary unit inserted ! Spits out the Guilder with instructions on how to exchange for a Euro.

" Inserts a golden Fleece"
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Old Jul 29 2017, 08:21 PM   #600
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Default Re: The Universal Vending Machine

Out comes a 12 foot model of the Argo

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