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Old May 2 2009, 07:37 PM   #1
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Default Puns, For the Educated Mind

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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Old May 2 2009, 08:49 PM   #2
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I think I may have seen one or two of those before but all of them are great. Thanks, Kater!
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Old May 2 2009, 09:26 PM   #3
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ROFL!
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Old May 2 2009, 10:26 PM   #4
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Old May 3 2009, 04:14 AM   #5
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

Nursing notes on small boy in hospital for tonsilectomy; "Johhny ate a little jelly and icecream. Vomited a trifle."
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Old May 3 2009, 05:35 AM   #6
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ROFL - these have made my day!
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Old May 3 2009, 08:18 AM   #7
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One for Lara.

Now that Ms McCaffrey has been joined by Todd in writing Pern: should they be ascribed to Anne et Cie (Annecy)?
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Old May 3 2009, 10:37 AM   #8
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LOL, some of those were really good, Kater

I MUST remember #12

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Old May 3 2009, 01:38 PM   #9
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I'm glad you all like them. I am on a joke of the day email and that was the joke the other day.
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Old May 4 2009, 03:14 AM   #10
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# 19 cracks me up. I need that sort of funny. Thanks Kater!
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Old May 5 2009, 11:26 AM   #11
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And then there's the one about Gandhi.

Quite apart from his powerful devotion to non-violent means of change, Gandhi was considered a bit of a mystic, probably due to his powerful charisma. He walked everywhere and developed quite impressive calluses on his feet, and during his hunger strike (he grew very weak) he developed terrible breath as time went on. This apparently remained a problem for some time. For that reason, he is occasionally referred to as the:


wait for it...



Super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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Old May 5 2009, 11:43 AM   #12
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Lanen that one is one of my FAVS!!
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Old May 5 2009, 06:05 PM   #13
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Mine too, Kater. Wonder what that says about us?
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Old May 5 2009, 09:25 PM   #14
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

lol I love these.
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Old May 6 2009, 01:05 AM   #15
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

Lanen - you've got it wrong!

It should be

super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

"Plagued" disrupts the parallel to "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" (which just happens to be my cell phone's ring tone... yes I am obsessed with classic Disney music, why do you ask?)
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Old May 6 2009, 04:57 AM   #16
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Brenda, you're absolutely right. Never could tell a joke...
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Old May 6 2009, 05:10 AM   #17
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from a .... what?

Do you know the etymolgy of 'amuse'?

A - Greek prefix meaning 'without';
Muse - mythical Greek source of inspiration.

Therefore amuse = uninspired
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Old May 14 2009, 01:15 PM   #18
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Actually, the OED gives:

Middle English from Old French amuser 'cause to muse' [see MUSE definition 2: ponder or reflect, Middle English via Old French muser 'to waste time'] from causal a 'to' + muser 'stare'

but folk etymologies are so much more fun!
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Old May 14 2009, 04:22 PM   #19
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I don't know: amusing = wasting time seems pretty okay by me.
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Old May 15 2009, 11:29 AM   #20
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Yeah, Ace, but it ain't right! Sorry, am cursed with the soul of a philologist, even if I don't have the head for it really. Not an academic.

The French have the way of it - it's a reflexive verb, if my high school French does not desert me. S'amuser. Amusing onself, which I guess kinda means wasting time.

All of which is a long way from puns...
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Old May 15 2009, 11:32 AM   #21
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Now you're just being a pendulum
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Old May 15 2009, 11:34 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lanen View Post
<snip>All of which is a long way from puns...
Or not? As my French desert has now deserted me and lounges in darker places to see the light again tomorrow...

I wonder how they came to name a culinary tidbit (served as a pre-pre course) an "amuse". They are certainly not boring but often a "subtle-taste-bomb"
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Old May 15 2009, 06:10 PM   #23
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Not so much pendulum as pendant. Nearly. I love the way you fellows play with words! And Hans, in a foreign language yet! Well impressed.

Was just thinking of an old joke - An American named Larry comes over to Scotland, and is intrigued by someone inviting him into a pub for a wee tipple. He's amused by this word, so goes along and is handed a glass of fine whiskey. Being American and macho, he downs it in one, to the dismay of the locals. One of them shakes his head and says,

"That's the wrong way to tipple, Larry"

Lordy, I hope this isn't too obscure...
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Old May 15 2009, 06:28 PM   #24
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Old May 16 2009, 04:25 AM   #25
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Speaking of puns in other langages and jokes...

I'll never forget the one about the American who ordered "cocq au vin" in Paris. Of course he didn't pronouce it right (it would have sounded disgusting to his ears) but ordered what sounded like a cockail of coca cola and wine...
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Old May 16 2009, 06:52 PM   #26
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Hans, I once ordered a rum & coke in Switzerland, and the Swiss-German waitress, looking somewhat stunned, brought me a glass of coke with whipped CREAM in it! She had thought I said RAHM & coke!
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Old May 17 2009, 07:00 AM   #27
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Good grief. But funny though.

My father once stood on the tower at three land point (Netherlands-Germany-Belgium). There's a pub at the foot of it and some relatives and friends were sitting on its terrace. They yelled up (the tower is about 90 feet high) what he wanted to drink.
He yeled back "A beer", keeping his hands above each other with a foot between them to indicate a big beer.
When he came down there was a traditonal boot beer glass on the table about 50 cm (well over a foot) high

Something like this:



And because that was off topic, here's a nice food related pun for you...

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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Old May 17 2009, 09:37 AM   #28
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Lanen: it is also the wrong way to tip a raree dram!

Hans: sounds like to urban mythic american serviceman arriving in Germany for his first posting.

Having been travelling for quite a while he is looking for the Gents'. A helpful local points to the necessary door.

"Uh-huh," says the serviceman, "I can see her 'un: I'm looking for his 'un."
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Old May 17 2009, 10:13 AM   #29
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It's a plain joke P'ter I saw a cartoon of it when I was a small child.
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Old May 17 2009, 05:28 PM   #30
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I remember listening to American Services Radio (which I could pick up on my crystal set). They used to broadcast really awful cops-and-robbers shows 'acted' by the Chicago Police Department Drama Club!
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Old May 17 2009, 07:30 PM   #31
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Good grief! Were they any good?
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Old May 18 2009, 02:09 AM   #32
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Very Am Dram!

I don't know who wrote them; but the bullets would go straight through the characters without slowing down.

And the sound effects were usually slightly off sync.
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Old May 18 2009, 08:56 PM   #33
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They probably sold them off over there because nobody would listen to them over here and they couldn't get sponsors.
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Old May 19 2009, 12:46 AM   #34
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(I LOVE "weapon of math disruption". XD)

Here's one of my favorites:
A pair of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel for a tournament, and for a while they stood in the lobby comparing wins, losses, and techniques. The manager finally addressed them and asked them to leave the area, and when asked why, he replied "I can't stand chess nuts boasting on an open foyer."
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Old May 19 2009, 07:08 AM   #35
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I like the one about the chief of an extreemly backward tribe who came over to visit the UK and was shown the Coronation Chair. Highly impressed he had it copied by his tribal carpenter. The problem was: what to do with it at night when it occupied his sleeping space by the fire in his hut.

In the end he had a couple of ropes installed so that, at night, it could be hauled up out of the way.

Unfortunately his hut collapsed under the weight and he was squashed to death. Which goes to show that "people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones".
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Old May 19 2009, 07:22 AM   #36
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Safari story

An inebriated fellow comes into a tavern and begins telling a long, drawn out story about a lion he shot and brought home from safari. He goes on to describe how it is big, yellow, and with black stripes.

The bartender says, "It sounds like you have a tiger, by the tale."




...
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Last edited by Hans; May 19 2009 at 10:57 AM. Reason: typo
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Old May 19 2009, 09:17 AM   #37
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Hehehehe Hans! I like that one!
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Old May 19 2009, 10:17 AM   #38
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

kater...I loved the list...especially 11. Your list seems to have brought out the punnier side of MoM...
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Old May 20 2009, 09:25 AM   #39
Kater
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

It sure has Lady M!!
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Old May 21 2009, 09:00 AM   #40
Lanen
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Default Re: Puns, For the Educated Mind

There was once a fellow who had a mania for sea anemones. He knew all the species and all the variations, and he had tanks full of them. One day a friend came to visit and all the tanks were gone. Instead, the house was full of huge tree ferns, and his pal was sat in the midst of them looking blissful. The friend enquired what had happened to make him change so completely.

The guy answered, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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