Feedback: Re: Pern: Out of Place

[GinnyStar]

http://forums.srellim.org/showthread.php?t=5611 Story Thread
http://forums.srellim.org/showpost.p...28&postcount=1 Start of Story
Great story, Well writen, Show what happening on Pern in the Nine Pass.
You can get your self lost in the world of Pern for a bit. I did Well done.

Just one bit of an idea it would help if you had Chaper # or something like that. Sometime members find it hard to find the beging of a long story.

[Blue Rider 16]

Thanks for the reading and comments! I thought about Chapter numbers but I didn't know if the sections would be long enough for chapters. I might try that though!

[Brenda]

I would also recommend putting a space between each of your paragraphs.

If you don't, it all runs together and is difficult to read.

Spaces work as a substitute for indentations.

This has been a demonstration of the above recommendation.

[Blue Rider 16]

Thanks for the advice!

[GinnyStar]

That what us members are for Have fun with your work

And Spacing is what I need to do on my own.

[Shalyn]

Seconding Brenda's post about the breaks between paragraphs.

Also, you may want to get yourself a beta reader. There are quite a few grammatical errors and formatting errors. Some of your paragraphs should be combined into one paragraph, and some of your dialogue is punctuated wrong:

“Yes, he’s my cousin, so take good care of him, girl.” R’bot answered, chuckling.

This could go two ways:

“Yes, he’s my cousin, so take good care of him, girl,” R’bot answered, chuckling.

“Yes, he’s my cousin, so take good care of him, girl.” R’bot chuckled at Camie's glare.

You also need a different action word than "Then". Actually, you don't even need that word:

Then Denan felt the jolt of landing, and he felt a crushing disappointment as he realised his ride astride a dragon was over. He slid down Reth’s side, concentrating on absorbing the impact. Then R’bot landed beside him and started walking towards the Lower Caverns, beckoning him to follow.
Yet Denan had only a part of his mind on walking--- which was definitely understandable. Everywhere he looked, there were dragons, and dragonkind. Fire-lizards flitted around the Bowl, dragons sunned themselves on the ledges to their weyrs, flew around the Bowl with passengers, disappeared between in mid-air, bathed in the Weyr lake, and recuperated from their exertions by curling up in the sun.
Then R’bot’s voice shook him out of his reverie.

Denan felt the jolt of landing, and as he realised his ride astride a dragon was over he also experienced a crushing disappointment. R'bot landed beside him and started walking towards the Lower Caverns, beckoning him to follow. Denan automatically followed, yet only a part of his mind was on walking. He gaped at the scene laid out before him: there were dragons everywhere! Sunning themselves on ledges, bathing in the Weyr lake, carrying their riders on important business. Several dragons winked between, and others seemed to pop out of thin air. He could have watched the dragons, or their younger cousins the fire lizards for hours, but R'bot's voice shook him out of his reverie.

The story has a nice flow, and good description. One thing that did bother me was this passage:

“I understand that R’bot, and out of my bond with Derith, I will do anything for him, but there’s no accounting for draconic choice. I don’t know why Derith chose me, but I am not a regular blue rider. I’m more responsible and show more initative than most blue riders, though I still maintain the oversensitivity, and gentleness of other blue riders. But please, don’t force anyone on me outside of a mating flight. Good day to you both, and your dragons.” That said, D’nan turned on his heel and marched away, calling Derith to him.

Why do you say blue riders are irresponsible? And oversensitive and gentle? I'm interpreting this conversation as D'nan saying, "I know that most blue riders are flaming poofs, but I'm not."

It almost sounds like you're bashing all blue riders except for this one. I could be misinterpreting, though.

[Blue Rider 16]

Did a bit of an edit. Check it out!