Game: The Universal Vending Machine

[Dragon Fan]

Sails away on the model of the Argo.

"But not before inserting a forwarding address of 221B Baker Street"

[P'ter]

Machine starts yelling, "ERROR! ERROR! Unacceptable monetary unit inserted!" Spits out multi-lingual announcement that the Greek currency was replaced by the Euro in 2001.

*Inserts a Venezuelan 50,000 Bolivar banknote. (Today worth about £3,700: tomorrow who knows?)*

[Kugai]

Out comes a Wheelbarrow full of Reichmarks


*Inserts an Altairian Dollar*

[P'ter]

Out comes Slartibartfast exclaiming, "If you actually want to purchase something, you'll need a lot more than that."

*Inserts a harper two-marker.*

[Dragon Fan]

Machine burps, spits out mangled twig.

Inserts a token from the game " Sequence"

[vyon]

That was an expensive twig!

Out comes a string of numbered beads, 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, and so on.

Inserts the two-metre long leaf of a treefern.

[Kugai]

Machine burps and spits out two mark piece


*Inserts a Bubbly Pie*

[P'ter]

Out comes Ollie Mur's young relative Pie Mur.

*Inserts a 4 1/2" floppydisc.*

[Dragon Fan]

Machine plays the sounds of the old game PONG.

"Inserts a 3 way light bulb "

[Kugai]

The sound of Disco music comes from the machine before a BeeGees album it ejected.

*Inserts a miniature Kettle Drum*

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a miniature record player play that well-known jazz number "Timpani Alley".

*Inserts a kleine sopranino.*

[Kugai]

Out comes a strange bottle with Kiri Te Keanua in it


*Inserts a picture of Ivan Rebrov*

[P'ter]

The machine spits out the Kings Singers who, between them, cover the same vocal range.

*Inserts a copy of Serve it Forth.*

[Kugai]

John McEnroe emerges and says "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!" before his head explodes

*Inserts a Body Bag*

[P'ter]

The machine returns the bag and then, with a loud screech, shrinks and falls over. Two men in a 'private ambulance' arrive and, zipping the machine into the body bag, load it into the vehicle and drive off. After a short wait a new machine materializes and is checked out by Scotty.

*Inserts a scale model of the UFO that appeared in Dallas.*

[Kugai]

Dr. J. Allen Hynick emerges, smokes his Pipe and smiles enigmatically


*Inserts a copy or he USAF's Blue Book*

[P'ter]

H. Wright Johnson appears and, with an enigmatic smile, tears the Blue Book into shreds.

*Still smiling (enigmatically) he inserts (on your behalf) a copy of the USN Bluejackets' Manual.*

[Dragon Fan]

Machine makes the Phttt ! sound.

Out slides a copy of " The Grapes of Wrath" and a Bottle of Brandy!

[Kugai]

Drinks the Brandy and trades the book in for a First Edition of To Sail Beyond The Sunset

*Inserts a Burroughs Irrelevancy Drive*

[P'ter]

The machine flickers in and out of reality, each time in a slightly different location, delivering in turn: Maureen Johnson, Colonel Colin, Hazel, Laz, Lor, Ishtar, Galhad and Pixel.

*Inserts a business card for the Committee for Aesthetic Deletions.*

[Kugai]

Count Dracula emerges,takes the card back and escapologists for the inconvenience.


*Inserts an invite to Arisugawa's Locket Bar and Nightclub*

[P'ter]

Before you have time to decide whether to head for Tokyo or not, the machine delivers the twin barmaids each holding a drink. Minagi delivers hers with a smile; Ryouko throws hers in your face.

*Inserts a punctured airbed.*

[Kugai]

The machine returns it along with a Bicycle Puncture Repair Kit


*Inserts a route map of the Tour De France*

[P'ter]

After a few nanoseconds hesitation, the machine delivers a copy of Freya North's book "Cat".

*Reinserts the puncture kit (minus 1 patch).*

[Kugai]

Out comes a Racing Bike with a Spandex suit tied to the handlebars


*Inserts a bottle of Talcum Powder*

[P'ter]

The machine disgorges my 80 year old cousin John who procedes to don the Spandex. He also reinflates the bike tyres with helium, to lighten the load on the road, and rides off for his latest time-trial.

*Inserts one shilling and six pence ha'penny in old money.*

[Kugai]

The machine disgorges a Pie stuffed with Blackbirds


*Inserts a Rye Loaf*

[Dragon Fan]

Out slides a Reuben Sandwich with pickle and chips

" Inserts an empty platter, and a cold Beer "

[Greenrider Tresa]

Out pops a plate of meatloaf, homemade noodles, and thick bread with apple butter.

*inserts Amish quilt*

(No, not just because of Pennsylvania. Also the Shipshewana area in Indiana)

[P'ter]

The machine delivers a Penrosian Pentagonal patterned quilt.

*Inserts a hand-embroidered djibbah.*

[Kugai]

Out comes the Host of Project Runway to critique it


*Inserts a pair of leather gloves*

[P'ter]

The machine disgorges Mister Toad at the wheel of an Armstrong-Whitworth. They drive off into the sunset with Toad's cry of "Poop! Poop!" lingering amidst the dust cloud.

*Inserts a wash-board.*

[Kugai]

Hogsnort Rupert Original Flagon Band emerges and plays a melody of hits before reentering the machine.


*Inserts a Theremin*

[vyon]

It re-emerges in a normally quiet city park along with the entire cast of the original Star Trek and a cardboard set of the starship Enterprise.

Inserts a Chapman Stick.

[P'ter]

The machine delivers an early English peddler with his pack of goods and a walking stick. He wanders off into the distance.

*Inserts an eolian harp.*

[Kugai]

Out steps Mr Spock playing a jaunty tune


*Inserts an Electric Guitar*

[P'ter]

There's a brilliant flash, and the machine dumps out the body of a guitarist.

(This actually happened at the first rock concert to be held at the Royal Festival Hall in London. The Electricians Union refused to allow the group to plug in their own equipment: closed shop ageement. Some idiot electrician didn't realise that electric guitars are plugged in to amplifiers, so he changed the jackplug on the free end of the lead to a 30amp 3-pin plug and stuffed it into a socket. The group came on stage to do a sound check and rehearse: the guitarist picked up his instrument and received the full 240 volt/30 amp current. The 'hearse' part of 'rehearse' was highly appropriate.)

*Inserts a pair of wire brushes.*

[Kugai]

Mr Myagi emerges to give you lessons in using them.

*Inserts a ticket to Okinawa*

[Dragon Fan]

Machine blinks out........................................Returns covered with Bamboo leaves and palm fronds.

Cleans up and inserts the palm fronds and Bamboo.

[Kugai]

Machine disgorges a Mojito and a Jamaican Band


*Inserts a picture of Che Guevara*