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Old Sep 10 2006, 01:20 PM   #41
Kath
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Chapter Nine

[Major catch-up time for me!]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shalyn View Post
"Well, I see that you're making yourself at home here," Rhanda stated smiling as she and Joslin came into the room.
stated, smiling, came into. Three actions, no pauses - makes the sentence a little unwieldy to my ear.

Quote:
That went along with her plans for the girl anyway.
I'm a bit confused about which of the girls Rhanda is thinking about here. Does she have plans for Kailisu, or Haneset? I think it's Haneset, but I'm not sure...

Quote:
Turning her attention back to the new girl, she was just in time to hear Joslin reaming out the kitchen worker.
This doesn't quite fit. Unless she was thinking about Kailisu earlier, and her attention is shifting from her own thoughts to her surrounds. But part of me is thinking that she's been focussing on Haneset, and it's only when she looks to Kylie that she picks up on what Joslin was saying about Haneset... which wouldn't make sense, which means it's me that's got it wrong - but you don't want your reader to get things wrong!

Quote:
With the Weyrs drilling night and day, and while not drilling Searching because the queens were on the verge of producing eggs as quickly as they could, it was possible that a starter-hold could disappear.
commas before and after Searching?

Quote:
That girl's flightier than the greenest firelizard. Maybe having this responsibility will be good for her." Otherwise, the Weyrwoman's daughter would never impress.
An exemplary example of how to throw in information like family ties, without resorting to a nasty, sue-ish infodump.

Nicely paced chapter, and we get a lot more insight into Rhanda's character. I do like Rhanda.
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Old Sep 10 2006, 01:34 PM   #42
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AMCF down, so I'll carry on here for now...

Chapter Ten
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shalyn View Post
"Here, some klah and you can answer my questions." She looked around slightly guiltily then giggled.
Should be HAVE some Klah? Or is Haneset just speaking sloppily?

Quote:
Maybe kids weren't as cruel here as they were back home.
Well, she won't be lingering under that misinterpretation for long...


A very fun character-intro chapter. Remind me to come back to this one after the hatching, please! I've got more comments, but putting them in here and now would mean spoilers...
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Old Sep 16 2006, 12:26 PM   #43
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Next three chapters are up.

For those of you eagerly waiting - many apologies for the delay. I've been feeling cruddy all week. Horrid toothache, but got it pulled on Tuesday. Low grade fever - I think that I *might* have been starting in on strep (I'm very susceptible to it, and while I'm not a doctor - that's what it felt like) but the antibiotics given to me for the tooth should be combating that.

so - sorry.

For those who aren't eagerly waiting - what's wrong with you, anyway? Don't you know a good yarn when you see it?

Uh, oops. Fever must be affecting my brain.
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Old Sep 16 2006, 03:45 PM   #44
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You rotten cliff-hanger!
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Old Sep 16 2006, 04:34 PM   #45
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Ooops! That was wonderful, and what a cliffhanger!

You wrote your when it should've been you're in one of the recent chapters.
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Old Sep 16 2006, 06:22 PM   #46
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Since this was late, you'll post the next set early to make up for it, right?!

What's his name made up for his jackassiness this time.

Saw a typo, if instead of of somewhere...have to go back and find where that was for you.

Anyway, I'm still very much enjoying the tale, keep it coming!
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Old Sep 23 2006, 05:04 PM   #47
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Couldn't find the typo

Wowsers, this next installment was good, and with a really unexpected twist! Now I want to hear a bit more about these other "exports" and what their circumstances had been on earth.

How much of the story is left? Any chance we can talk you into speeding up installments?
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Old Sep 23 2006, 05:18 PM   #48
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We are at chapter twenty-seven, so about seventeen more chapters.

And the galling thing is, I still didn't get everything in that I wanted to. Whenever a Pernese conversation comes up here or at NKT, I think "Oh, I meant to put that in," or "crud, forgot about that!".

Working on Mardra now. I'm hoping to get some good writing done this week.
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Old Sep 23 2006, 05:44 PM   #49
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This is very engaging. The Export "business" (?) is properly mysterious, and Kylie's attitude adjustment is coming along nicely. She's finding out what real friends are like and how to find her place in a strange world. (But the lack of classic rock and chocolate! The horror!)

The story has a tight pace and interesting characterizations. I find myself actually liking Kylie (the schemer) and hoping she'll succeed.

'Fics like this make me wish I hadn't lost my gift. But then it makes me want to try anyway.

Thanks for the 'fic. I hope to see more soon.
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Old Sep 24 2006, 02:38 AM   #50
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It's great, and I really didn't see R'mez's revelation coming!

One mistake I found at the Gather, when Kylie and that guy were browsing the stalls, "who's possessive hand" should be whose.
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Old Oct 15 2006, 04:29 AM   #51
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Brilliant!

That last line made me giggle!
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Old Oct 15 2006, 07:51 AM   #52
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Wonderful!

Nice little personality on that queen.
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Old Oct 15 2006, 09:09 AM   #53
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*grins*

Yeah - I tend to write my queens with attitude. It just feels right that way. Especially with the personalities most of my goldriders tend to have.
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Old Oct 15 2006, 09:51 AM   #54
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Lovely, although I feel there are a few too many Z's in Zizzakath... No doubt I'll get used to the name in time.
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Old Oct 16 2006, 05:28 PM   #55
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Well, that was Kailisu's reaction as well...

I just have a few things that seemed a little off.
Quote:
"...Next week we'll have some guest speakers here, regarding what happens during flights."
It seems odd to refer to them as guest speakers when they all live there at the Weyr. I know you're trying to make the point that they wouldn't normally be speaking, but it didn't seem necessary - maybe just "we'll have some riders come in to talk about what happens during flights."


Quote:
"Kailisu? Did you and your friends have any other observations about Weyr life?"
This seems completely out of place - first of all it's Kailisu talking, not her friends. Second of all, they weren't talking about Weyr life - they were talking specifically about who might Impress what, and what mating flights were like. And Kailisu answers with a continuation of that. I would find some other way to put that in there.


Quote:
After Brouson had his arm bitten off at the first Hatching Kailisu had been at, they wanted to make sure no one else lost any limbs or worse! It hadn't happened yet, but there was always a first time.
WHAT??? Besides the fact that I don't believe a newly hatched dragon could sever an arm, this is phrased confusingly. In one sentence you say that someone had an arm bitten off, and they wanted to make sure no one else did; then you say it hasn't happened yet! This is confusing!


Quote:
"We're going," Kailisu whispered to Haneset, her partner in Candidacy after all these Hatchings. "I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this!"
I would put that Haneset was "still her partner in Candidacy..."


And I want to make sure you know I really like this story, I'm just trying to help you make it even better!
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Old Oct 16 2006, 09:04 PM   #56
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Oh, I thank you so much, Brenda! I want it to be better too!

I can see where those several phrases need adjusting.

As for the arm . . . maybe that was a bit much. OK, no maybe's about it. But I did want to point out in the story that Impression can be dangerous as well as fulfilling.

And yeah, Zizzakath has too many Z's. But you do get used to it after a while, and at the time I wrote it, I was making a point that I've since forgotten about. Heh. Wait'll you see Mardra.
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Old Oct 16 2006, 11:41 PM   #57
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Hey, Ramoth apparently killed someone, and Morath was able to take down and claw at a grown man, and was trying to bite his face off. Maybe a hand instead of a whole arm....

You know, you told me the point with Zizzakath. But I honestly can't recall at all, either.
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Old Oct 17 2006, 12:27 AM   #58
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The arm, yes... The most confusing phrase there is "It hasn't happened yet, but there was always a first time." Can't be a first time, if someone just thought about the last time it happened. You did have a little "else" in the first phrase, so maybe you could just delete the entire second sentence.
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Old Oct 17 2006, 05:28 PM   #59
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Ramoth mauled the girl with her claws. Morath tried to bite his head off but couldn't fit her mouth around it. I doubt they could bite through bone when they've just hatched or they wouldn't need pre-butchered meat.

I would mention a case where someone was badly mauled and knocked out and was left in the shadows.
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Old Oct 17 2006, 07:01 PM   #60
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Oh, this gets better and better! I love how Kailisu refers to herself that way and not as Kylie anymore, because she's totally intergrated into Weyr life, and the choices she made about parenthood and Impressing. Whoo, I can't wait for more.
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Old Oct 30 2006, 01:52 AM   #61
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Really interesting! Usually I tend to shy away from stories that mix everyday reality with fanfic, straight fantasy or sci-fi too much, but this one's far too intriguing to quit! I must admit, though, that I like the Pern parts best.
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Old Oct 30 2006, 07:02 AM   #62
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Oh, I'm so glad the story wrapped back around to Earth and the "guvmint" agent. It just helps bookend the story.

Though I do have to say, I'd like to see the DRAGON agency stop Kalisu and Ravishath from returning to Pern if they wanted to!


That was an awesome piece of fanfic Shalyn, very original in plot, kept me happily entertained for weeks!
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Old Oct 30 2006, 01:07 PM   #63
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Well, originally Kylie Sue was going to be BAMF!'d back to Earth at the ripe old age of 80-something, and end up another squashed anomoly.

But I was talked out of killing her.

Now, I need to work on a sequel at some point, but I need to see where I'm going to go with that.

In the meantime, Mardra beckons, though I haven't felt much like working on her. But I will. Few more months, and I'll start posting serials again.
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Old Oct 30 2006, 02:01 PM   #64
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"*-cede" is correct for UK English, whether it's super-* or inter-*. Actually "cede" is a perfectly good word on its own (at least in English).

It's one of those things like "*-ise" endings or "*-ize".

Who called us "two nations separated by a common language"? I THINK it was Oscar Wilde.
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Old Oct 30 2006, 03:13 PM   #65
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great story...
I've spotted a mistake! In the post beginning part 3 you say it's 7th pass but later on it's 4th pass!
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Old Oct 31 2006, 07:53 AM   #66
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Thanks, Edith!

I started it off as Seventh Pass, then changed to Fourth midway through. Tried to catch the original "Sevenths" but must have missed one.

I had also started it off as the queens breeding for several Turns, instead of starting at the beginning of the breeding cycle. But starting Ten Turns before the Pass gave Kylie more time to acclimate herself to Pern. Plus a Gather, and more chances of gold eggs.
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Old Oct 31 2006, 09:21 AM   #67
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What, so that was the end? It just stops with him saying they're going to help her get back to Pern? I have questions! What exactly are they going to be able to do to help get Kailisu back to Pern if she couldn't do it herself? Aargh!!!
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Old Oct 31 2006, 08:11 PM   #68
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I thought it was a question of allowing her to go back, rather than of helping. Though I couldn't see how they could stop her long-term, cause keeping her separated from Ravishath wouldn't go well for too long.
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Old Nov 1 2006, 02:56 AM   #69
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nope, nor would trying to explain these mysterious and over-all LARGE carnivorous flying animals away! They've really got no choice!
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Old Nov 1 2006, 10:09 AM   #70
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Well, I just want to make the point that I did not realize that was the end.
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Old Nov 1 2006, 02:49 PM   #71
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Me neither, Brenda. It would've been nice to see her back on Pern at the very end.
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Old Nov 2 2006, 10:43 AM   #72
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That's for DragonSue 2: DragonSusan

(darn Faye anyway with the titles)

I have some ideas posted at the NKT of what I might do with this.

But suffice it to say, she will get back to Pern.
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Old Nov 3 2006, 01:07 AM   #73
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Oooh, I'm waiting impatiently already.
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Old Nov 5 2006, 03:43 PM   #74
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Shalyn, thanks for a great couple of hours escapism this afternoon I thoroughly enjoyed it

If I may have one tiny quibble, I found Kylie's transformation from selfish, greedy earthling PITA to valued Weyr worker/candidate a bit quick, but there again, I guess time passed in between scenes so... *shrugs*
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Old Nov 5 2006, 05:53 PM   #75
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Yes, I found it a little abrupt as well - maybe add something to show more clearly that time is passing.
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Old Nov 6 2006, 01:26 PM   #76
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Yeah, I started to like her a bit too much so changed her too quickly.

If you'd seen the very first draft, she was only greedy/whiney for about two chapters.

darn characters that get under your skin too quickly.
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Old Dec 19 2006, 01:15 PM   #77
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Wow! I really liked this story...I had to force myself to get to bed last night. Can't wait for part two!!
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Old Jan 22 2008, 03:50 AM   #78
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Completely enjoyable. Kailisu has really come into her own, even to the point of setting aside grudges and facing Thread as bravely as possible. Some scene shifts are a bit quick, but I think that's forgivable.

I feel the end wrapped up tidily, and it will be interesting to see how you deal with DRAGON's operations in the sequel you have planned. It's enough to make me wonder if a Pernese person was ever sent to Earth and successfully adapted to life there.

Thank you for sharing the 'fic with us, Ms. Shalyn.
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Old Jan 25 2008, 09:25 PM   #79
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Default Re: Feedback for "Dragonsue"

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Completely enjoyable. Kailisu has really come into her own, even to the point of setting aside grudges and facing Thread as bravely as possible. Some scene shifts are a bit quick, but I think that's forgivable.

I feel the end wrapped up tidily, and it will be interesting to see how you deal with DRAGON's operations in the sequel you have planned. It's enough to make me wonder if a Pernese person was ever sent to Earth and successfully adapted to life there.

Thank you for sharing the 'fic with us, Ms. Shalyn.
Thank you for reading.

I haven't started on the sequel yet, since I am working on another project. As has been discussed in the Pern forums!
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Old Jan 26 2008, 04:57 PM   #80
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Default Re: Feedback for "Dragonsue"

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Thank you for reading.
You're quite welcome. ^n_n^

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I haven't started on the sequel yet, since I am working on another project. As has been discussed in the Pern forums!
Your Mardra 'fic, right? I might check that out, then.
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