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Exhibit Hall For the exhibition of artistic creations by our members, from poetry and prose to drawings, photography, and digital art.

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Old Mar 10 2010, 01:04 PM   #1
ghyle
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Blue On Time as a Lake -- feedback wanted

On Time as a Lake

Time, to me, is a still, slow pond
...on which the nenuphars still dream
the ancient dreams, of which we're fond,
...their leaves a veil both deep and green.

I'd ply my pole, so that we pass
...in languid ways across the face
of that still lake that seems a glass
...to darker clouds, and love your grace.

And you would trail your fingers through
...the cooler waters, dipping deep,
and, all around us, under blue,
...it seems the world would dream and sleep.

I would this world were ours, and sigh
...contentment at the thought of lake
and nenuphars beneath a sky
...of sterling blue that will not break.

Time, to me, is a still, slow pond
...on which the nenuphars still dream
the ancient dreams, of which we're fond,
...their leaves a veil both deep and green.

*****

Feedback please!
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Old Mar 10 2010, 03:10 PM   #2
Kath
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Default Re: On Time as a Lake -- feedback wanted

I'll be happy to leave feedback if you're really interested in getting some, but the last time I did that you didn't respond in any way at all to it. I don't know if you took the comments in and just didn't have anything to say, or if they got ignored completely.


So. Should I bother?
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Old Mar 11 2010, 02:22 AM   #3
GinnyStar
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Default Re: On Time as a Lake -- feedback wanted

I like, well written, nice inaction, and good backgound, I can see an image of this in my mind.
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Old Mar 16 2010, 05:48 AM   #4
Lanen
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Default Re: On Time as a Lake -- feedback wanted

Ghyle - just two quick comments, since you have invited them (brave man!).
1) Not all of us peasants know what nenuphars are. Yes, I looked it up on Google, they are water lilies. Are you going for the T.S. Eliot effect? Hoping only to catch those whose knowledge of botany is up to it? Or do you just like the closed murmuring syllables of nenuphar better than the wide open sound of 'water lilies' ? If the latter, I can only agree with you, but obscure (to me, at least) word-choice is always tricky.
2) verse 3, last line. The word 'seems' struck me as out of character for the piece. You begin by saying 'time is', not 'time seems'. Would not another drowsy monosyllabic 'sleepy' word work better here? So you get (e.g.) 'doze and dream and sleep' without breaking the mood?
3) Do remember that free advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it.
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Old Mar 16 2010, 06:42 PM   #5
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Default Re: On Time as a Lake -- feedback wanted

I agree about 'it seems'. Would the single word 'seemly' substitute?
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