Thread: Verse: Kath's poetry thread
View Single Post
Old Jun 25 2014, 09:56 AM   #2
Master Archivist
Hans's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: The Netherlands
Gender: M
Fan of: Pern!
Default Re: Kath's poetry thread

I like it. The only comment sI have are that the last line of the first verse doesn't seem to flow as naturally as the rest. It feels like it has one or two syllables too many, or maybe a whole word? And in the third lines of the second verse I would use 'and' between dark and deep as that cmbines better with the (almost) allitteration of clenched IN declivities, dark AND deep; but that could be just my perception.

Overall I like this very much. Pleasant to read, food for thought, makes you think and especially for the non-native English speaker somewhat of a challenge
Hans, also known as Elrhan, Master Archivist

Visit The Pern Museum & Archives for all your Pern and Anne McCaffrey News and Resources!
The Pern Museum & Archives is the home of the Pern Encyclopedia and the Pern Bloodlines.
Hans is offline   Reply With Quote